I have been off the grid for a little while because I am in the midst of a lengthy jury trial. OwnIt - you probably totally get it!!! I haven't been doing as much non work related reading or writing as I would normally be doing.
H has been out of town since the 13th. Too bad I have been too swamped at work to enjoy the peace and quiet at home. We have texted very little. But he is more chatty in the texts that he has been in the past. We FaceTimed twice so he could talk to S. They were both short session, and in fact, during last night's session, S was having a tantrum so there wasn't much communication going on. Several times S tried to turn the phone off. Lol!
Having the physical distance from H has been really nice. While I have not had much time to really think about it, just the lack of his physical presence has been a relief. Sometimes I do catch myself wondering if this is how it will be when I move out. It seems to have helped with deepening my detachment. The real test will be when he returns. If I still feel the level of detachment I feel now, well, I will be grateful.
There are moments where I feel I could not care any less about H. My love for him is safely on a shelf, locked away. I don't care what he is doing, who is seeing, or who he is talking to, or who he's with. And for the first time in a very long time, I r-e-a-l-l-y feel it. In trying to write about it, all I can say is I feel peace. I think that is what I am feeling.
I feel like I can step back and see him for the hot mess he is.
I will confess that throughout this process I have sometimes questioned some of the teachings and practical advice I have been given and read about. Whether it be because of my skeptical nature or because of my "it's all my fault issues." But during this break, I feel my eyes opening and I am getting a greater perspective. I can really start to see and truly feel that 1) I am not responsible for my H's affairs; 2) the marriage is not responsible for H's affairs; 3) that there is something deep inside him, that he doesn't even realize is there, that is causing him to react to things in his life with these maladaptive coping mechanisms; 4) that he is running from facing himself; and 5) that life with OW will not lead him to greener pastures (this last one is a biggy for me and still a bit of an issue, but I do feel it less and less over time; I can't say if that is because I think they are still really broken up or if it's b/c I am learning to let this go).
One of the hardest parts of this for me still is the fact that there is nothing I can do about any of the above. He is no longer interested in my opinion (sometimes I think he never really was interested, even before MLC, he just went along to get along) and my words carry no weight. That is part of this process. And really, I am no longer interested in his opinion and his words haven't carried any weight with me for a long time. Is that part of detachment? Is that part of falling out of love?
I do still struggle with the difference between falling out of love and MLC. The lines between the two blur. Maybe they are interconnected. I do have trouble accepting the fact that his love for me is buried deep inside him. I'm not sure it's there. Admittedly, to maintain hope, I would like to see something more concrete on this. But that is MY want. Having blind faith in some things is really difficult for me right now.
I also wonder if the reason I'm not seeing anything more concrete on the issue of whether he really still loves me is because I need to just let him go completely. Is the lack of evidence and the deepening detachment an indication that I am being freed of my bond to him. I still question whether I'm being released, so right now, the answer is probably, no I am not being freed.
I apologize for the random nature of this post. I don't have a lot of time to organize my thoughts and feelings, but wanted to get as much as I could down before I have to return to work.
