Not sure what else to do

[Jmstl]

Hello to everyone, and I am sad to even have to come here. Here is my background and story
My STBX and I married almost 10 years ago, but we had been together for 11. We have 2 children, a six and 1 year old. I was raised by a perfectionist, and was usually emotionally closed off. She has always had self esteem issues and anxiety. Our marriage has had issues for years, with her saying she felt trapped or thought we should separate, but the next day would email and say how much she loved our life. In fact she told me she loved our life 3 days before saying we needed to separate.

We decided to sell the house, and we worked out a pro se separation agreement. We told my parents, and after that she said she wanted to stay with me and support me when I told her I was going to go to therapy. A week later, she said she did not want me moving into the apartment she got, after the house sold. The day I moved in, she told my daughter, I cant wait for the house to sell so daddy can move in and we can be a family. 2 weeks into her moving out, she said she did not want to try. She said she felt she could breathe again. She was enjoying time to herself. She said that I could not give her what she needs (loving and nurturing, motivated. She said if I was, why did it take so long? It was too late) but therapy has done a 180 on me.) She agreed to meet our pastor, and at that meeting he asked if she wanted me to be her husband anymore, and she said no. During that time, the basically 6 weeks this had started, she did not want to talk about our emotions. I would try and draw them out of her and she would get angry…BUT, she would also in those moments give hints about what it was that was hurting her. She felt like she was always trying to move forward, and I had no motivation to do so. When in reality, I valued the stability I brought to the relationship compared to her unpredictability (switching jobs every few years, etc).

She kept telling me through therapy I would realize she was not the woman for me. She said she wanted a divorce because we aren’t compatible, but was giving me time to come to the same conclusion. I got a copy of the book and read it. Stopped with I love yous, attempted hugs, basically backed off. A week later she called at work and said she had been thinking. She joined a singles group and was thinking how awkward it would be to tell someone who she was still married, and wanted divorce right now. I told her how much I loved her, but that I did not want to see her in pain, so I would give her the divorce. A few days later, I was invited for Coffee on Sunday. I thought something might have changed. Nope, she handed me the papers. She is trying to be very conciliatory, because she feels really guilty, but says she has been unhappy for years, but I never did anything to change myself.

In the mean time I have been in therapy, joined a men’s club at my church, attend church regularly, got healthy and fit (lost 15lbs), and basically working on my PIES.

We still talk fairly regularly because of selling the house and storage unit and the kids. We just had a joint birthday party and I helped her move a piano (from the house we are selling to the apartment. My daughter takes piano lessons)

I found her Tinder profile the other day. She was supposed to help decorate w/ my daughter but she was all dressed up and said she was meeting a friend. As she walked out the door, I said have fun on Tinder. She was not happy. Said it was rude and disrespectful, and how did I even know. I said her behavior had been suspicious, and as my daughter swiped pics on her phone I caught a glance of a pic that looked like a profile pic, so I investigated. She said she already met a divorced guy who gave her great advice. A few days later, she and I actually rode together for her to help me move, I apologized for bringing it up in such a way. She said she understood, and actually got off tinder bc she saw how much it hurt me.
We still don’t have a hearing for our divorce. She said her mistake was asking for separation instead of divorce. She says nothing can ever make her change her mind. But I /KNOW/ my wife, and know there is conflict inside her. I /KNOW/ she doesn’t believe in divorce and that this is very hard on her.
Is there anything that I can do at this point to make her see what she will be missing? Right now she is filling the nights I have the kids (every other night) with activities, doing things I always encouraged her to do, but she never did. Now she is pretty healthy and fit, and /seems/ happier, but I know her mind pretty well. Everyone tells me give her time and she will flip flop again, but she says she has drawn a hard line. She says she doesn’t trust me with her heart that things will be different, and doesn’t want to put our kids through this again.

Any advice will be welcome.