Look at Wonka's cheat sheet that is stickied to the newcomers for validation - I've been using that when the opportunity arose. Takes practice for the W to really believe it because you are changing up your script. Practice for a bit, even in the mirror if you can. The more you use it the more natural it will become.
Is she in a place where she can 'hear' you? I mean really 'hear' you? Can she listen to you? If she isn't, don't even try to talk to her about the blame game. My W also blames me a lot, and I did a lot of the beta husband things you mentioned, but she contributed a lot to the breakdown of the MR. I am seeing that now. What do you see that she was doing as a beta W?
If she wants to blame you, just validate her feelings using a variation of examples from Wonka's sheet. Don't get defensive, but don't be a doormat.
If you read my sitch, I have written about an episode in the last weeks where I was trying to validate and W snapped at me and I just gave her a calm response and said a number of things - stuff that goes against DBing. But it felt right and natural in the moment and I didn't want to be misunderstood. My silence on what she brought up would have been read as confirmation to her and so I had to break that. I don't think she heard me because she's not in a place to hear me yet, but I wasn't going to just cave in to whatever her interpretation of my behaviour was - I stood up for myself and I didn't care how she took my reaction.
The blamegame will continue until she looks at how she also is responsible for the situation. Until she gets there, you can't convince her otherwise. I just choose not to be a doormat and stay in limbo and wait for that to happen - it may never happen or happen way past my own timeline.
So, there is a nuance, but practice validation. If she reacts poorly to it, come back and post the convo here and lets see what the vets have to say.
