Limerence and My Situation Pt3

[25yearsmlc]

hey Mark,

The suggestion I'm making when I say "save yourself" means to make yourself your priority b/c I the chance of YOU being happy, starts there


AND b/c it increases the chances of you becoming the most attractive partner possible. Lessens co-dependence.

So your course of action is the same, and helps you regardless of the outcome.


I don't want to project my situation onto yours, but it would be nuts if I didn't share any insights from the experience.

For ME, I see now that I spent far too much of my life staying/trying b/c of my h's potential as a h.

I was waiting for our m to return to what it had been in the past, AND OR what I hoped it would be down the road. I projected my own hopes & moral compass onto my h b/c I could not grasp the reality that he does NOT feel the same. He does not feel guilt or remorse - because if he does, it's not enough to make different choices.

My confusion stemmed from projecting MY own moral standards and emotions, onto someone who does Not share them, or who has justified following his own...

If YOU cannot imagine doing what your wife is doing, then her values and yours are not in alignment AND OR she has justified her choices and is enough at peace with them, to stay on her path.

Not to belabor the point but Your wife is in an overt affair in the marital home with the children openly exposed to it.

That's^^ a heck of a lot of betrayal. Her being civil is literally the least she can do.

Do you have an internal timeline for any legal action? I'm not telling you to have one, Some LBS folks find it useful to know that at some point in their lives, the limbo ends.

I chose my d1's high school graduation as my private deadline and it made my "purgatory" much easier knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Helped my detachment too b/c I knew the nightmare was not eternal.

I knew I'd survive no matter what and that helped me a lot. Perhaps the detachment and GAL were triggers for my h or it's coincidental, but as that deadline approached (and I never shared it with anyone) h became more vocal about wanting to reconcile.

Later on if it becomes relevant, I'll share my "piecing" errors, but the reconciliation we had for 10 years, was due mostly to DBing.


Also, acting as if - is NOT about acting as if you know she will come back.

It's acting as if you know you'll be alright, no matter what SHE does...b/c you are in charge of your life and your happiness. This is very important to understand.

And faking it till you make it, means that acting confident in your own future can actually create the confidence & happiness in your life. There are TED Talk videos about this, sort of an "outside in" approach to behaviors/emotions, instead of the opposite. They DO outer behaviors and THEN feel inwardly, the emotions they need/want.

Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor have empirical data demonstrating the this in their youtube videos on creating change in your internal life by certain outward behaviors. Instead of what many people do which is to wait till they "Feel" a certain way and THEN they will "Act" on the emotion; this process is the reverse.

So again, acting as if is Not about what you expect HER to do, but on your awakening that you yourself are going to be fine, regardless of what SHE does.


Make sense?