ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 3

[SJW]

OMG!!! Can someone stop this rollercoaster I want to get off!

H didn't come back until Saturday with the kids as they wanted to stay with my parents an extra night. I'd had a great night out on Friday with a friend I've only seen once since this nightmare started and we had such a laugh. Saturday morning I thought I was going to be physically sick. I hadn't seen H in over 2 weeks and he had done what he'd done in the previous week saying he wanted to come home then changing his mind when I lost it.

Somehow I managed to pull myself together and by the time he got back I had done my hair and make up and had just popped to the shop. When I got back the kids went crazy and we had massive amounts of cuddles. I would have loved to have seen his face when he walked in but I think it probably hit him harder that I wasn't there. Over the 2 weeks I have pretty much removed all traces of him from display, photo's his framed army warrant and colours etc. I've moved the living room furniture round and my bedroom and painted like a maniac. When I got back he said he couldn't believe how much I had done and how hard I must have worked. My friend had also done the garden for me but I didn't tell him that.

I could tell he felt awkward but was just complete sweetness and light. I made some lunch and went to watch TV and chat with the kids. He went into our other living room and sat on his own. I spent the afternoon with the kids and then packed a bag and grabbed a dress and told him I was going out. He already knew I had plans but asked me if I was getting ready where I was going and I said yes, he asked me if I was coming home I said no and then left.

I got yesterday afternoon after shopping with friends and he was hovering around the kitchen acting really strange, then he said it......I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I want to come home and be with you and the kids!!!!

You could have knocked me over with a feather I had no clue what to say or what to feel or what to do. We talked for a bit mostly him talking and me listening but I asked him what had changed and he said coming home and seeing the changes just made him realise that he wanted our life in our home with our kids and he doesn't know what he has been thinking of these past few months. I told him he needed to speak to someone else about this as I can't give him the answers and I don't know how I feel and I genuinely don't. I want my M but how can I possibly get over this. He says he will do anything to win me back but is asking me to tell him what to do which obviously isn't going to work. I have always organised everything and for 10 weeks been accused of being controlling and now he wants me to go back to being his carer and make this OK?? How do I do that, surely if he's serious that's up to him. Then there is the other part of me that thinks he's changed his mind very quickly about who he loves recently what's to stop him doing it again and destroying me all over again.

I think I feel worse now than I have done for the past 10 weeks since he dropped the bomb!!

Advice please