A familiar story with questions. II

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for your reply

So, what do I recommend next? Pull back, and don't be so available this week. Let her pursue you, but don't forget what you are suppose to be doing.........which is dumping her. When you "dump" a person, you don't gradually ease away from them. You DUMP them out of your life. You immediately and completely disengage with anything that involves them. And, don't use the kids as a bridge to get next to her.

Don't use this as a tactic just to get her to warm up to you......she'll see through it, and it won't serve you well. The goal is to put the burden and action of pursuit on your W. When she sees her little tricks won't work, and she sees you are no longer interested in getting her back......and especially when she sees you living happily without her........there is a much greater chance of her being interested in getting back into your life. And, don't worry.......she'll let you know.

Sooo, that what I feel I did most all of last week. I was gone before she woke and didn't return until bedtime. Until the dog crap when she got up early.


RR, I have a few 2 x 4's for you but I know you can take it!

"most of last week" is a blink.

The math of this is approach is that

"consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Then you can respond accordingly. Not before. Your w does not yet have a "new you" to respond to. Not enough time or consistency from you.


I know it had an effect as she mentioned that it didn't seem we were even friends these last several days. I got some attention. I'm not sure it was the loss or fix but I'm going to call it a win.


Sorry to seem like a wet blanket, but again, this^^ is so short lived and so "not enough" that you are really setting yourself up for disappointment.

Your timeline must be elongated exponentially, or any "results" you see will be puny or temporary.

You need to do a behavior for 90 days before monitoring for results, or do at least 30. Seriously.


What I don't trust is my own judgment.


Don't be too hard on yourself, b/c this^^ is true for most of us, or we would not have felt blindsided by our spouse's decision.

Unfortunately In the next sentence below, you apply the very judgement you have good reason to doubt.

My W is not a good actor. Not a phony charmer. And when I see a change I think she is turning the corner.


you are trusting your own questionable judgement here^^^ and you are seeing what you hope is true. Not necessarily what is true.

A "change" of any sort in that brief a time is too short to even notice.

Try not to "notice" anything short of a BIG CLEAR behavior on her part. If the time comes, you will not have to guess or mind read.

Let that^^ sink in.


Confession: I tried to initiate sex twice this weekend. Both over text to avoid confrontation. She said no she "couldn't"

Asking to be intimate is serious pursuit. Period.

And doing it by text is not to avoid confrontation, but to avoid facing rejection in person.

It comes across as pursuit done with so much fear attached, that it could not be done in person.

Unless it's consensual flirting by text, an attempt for intimacy made in the least intimate format, is not going to go well imo.


I asked her to please stop confusing "can't" with won't. She said she would try and that it would take some practice.

more pursuit ^^ with a dose of semantics.

She rejected your request and then you seemed to argue about it. It's not a position you want to be in. The more you challenge her choices - the more you force her to defend them, and the more you corner her.

I know this is hard but it's not complex. In this scenario You are setting yourself up for rejection, getting rejected, and then arguing about the use of the term"won't" instead of "can't."

I don't see the point of that.

If she said she "won't" be intimate, as opposed to "cannot" be intimate, how would that make it better?
I'm asking because it's not clear to me what difference that makes.


This is a big leap for this self-centered, defiant, rebellious W.


I'm confused. What is the "big leap" you're referring to? Is it that she said she'd try to use the term "won't" instead of "can't"?


She doesn't hide her feeling well. She doesn't share them but she is not a faker either.
This morning she moved closer and well I am weak. Sex is how Hs temp check.
We spent the better part of the day together and ate alone without kids.

Last night we had a heart felt R talk and by that I mean I listened and validated. I also told her that she had been self-centered, defiant, rebellious.


I don't see how labeling her behavior and telling her these^^ negative things is validating. And I don't see how it gets you closer to your goal.

Also, What we say here on this site, is usually not something to say to the WAS.
Plus the wording strikes me as a shaming tactic that will push her farther away.


Like you have said timing is everything and she stopped and contemplated my words. Didn't get mad or retaliate. She asked how so and I gave her examples of each. She seemed to listen and reflect.
She said she had been under a lot and cried. I encouraged her to let it all go. I comforted her. This was probably why I got laid this morning.


You said sex is how you temperature check. Which is unfortunate, b/c It may not be hard for her to go alone with it. And you may misinterpret or project your feelings onto her actions. I assume she knows your method of temperature checking, correct?

I also told her why I suspected the A and she swears there is nothing going on. I caught her quickly stashing her phone Saturday as I walked up. She acknowledged doing it and said it was stupid and she shouldn't have done it and she understood why I would see it as suspicious. She was sorry and understood how it must have looked.
Now I understand how some Ws may use this as an elaborate cover-up, but it is not her MO.

what is her MO? So, What do you think She wants from you as a husband?

I told her later that I tended to believe her. She was thankful and seemed genuinely pleased. Not like pleased he took the lie but like it mattered to her that I knew that it was not nefarious.


Yikes, tons more mind reading here^^.

If & When she is ready to commit, you will not need to guess and mind read. You won't always be the marriage police.

Unless there is clarity and commitment from her, why would you agree to a reconciliation anyhow?

Do you get my point?

I'm echoing what Sandi said in her last post to you. And the Swingers script is very much along the "dump" the WAS theme.

It's about real detachment and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.


So that leaves this week. I am prepared to slip back into cold going dark if this is moving too fast. I am not so desperate for things to be fixed that I skip doing it the right way.


what do you mean "moving too fast"? Why would you pursue again, at this point?

Can you get some short term goals for yourself? Specific short term goals?

You say don't worry she will let you know. Well, I'm not sure.

If she is not committed to the m yet, what is being decided right now?


At dinner tonight I was tempted say that I was surprised that she wanted to eat alone with me based on the awful things that she said in recent past. I didn't as I felt I was fishing for a R talk and why push it.


It IS 100% R talk and it is complete pursuit. You are asking her to reassure you.

Maybe one short term goal is to let her initiate a reassuring comment or behavior without any push from you.

You may need to get the proverbial "STFU smoothie" and drink it when you get the urge to have another one of these pursuit R talks


I need to keep a healthy perspective.
I am prepared to do whatever is best.

Should I ask what's up with this change?

No.

It's another request for reassurance from her, which is more pursuit from you.


Going dark for 4 days doesn't seem long enough,

it's not nearly long enough. No question.

You need to put the microscope away and get some space. How are your GAL -"don't obsess" detachment efforts going?

Hang in there.