A familiar story with questions. II

[RR17]

Thanks for your reply

So, what do I recommend next? Pull back, and don't be so available this week. Let her pursue you, but don't forget what you are suppose to be doing.........which is dumping her. When you "dump" a person, you don't gradually ease away from them. You DUMP them out of your life. You immediately and completely disengage with anything that involves them. And, don't use the kids as a bridge to get next to her.

Don't use this as a tactic just to get her to warm up to you......she'll see through it, and it won't serve you well. The goal is to put the burden and action of pursuit on your W. When she sees her little tricks won't work, and she sees you are no longer interested in getting her back......and especially when she sees you living happily without her........there is a much greater chance of her being interested in getting back into your life. And, don't worry.......she'll let you know.

Sooo, that what I feel I did most all of last week. I was gone before she woke and didn't return until bedtime. Until the dog crap when she got up early. I know it had an effect as she mentioned that it didn't seem we were even friends these last several days. I got some attention. I'm not sure it was the loss or fix but I'm going to call it a win.

Sandi, I do understand and value your words. You know these creatures better than any book or Dr. that has written a book and I have read a boat load.
What I don't trust is my own judgment.
My W is not a good actor. Not a phony charmer. And when I see a change I think she is turning the corner.

Confession: I tried to initiate sex twice this weekend. Both over text to avoid confrontation. She said no she "couldn't"

I asked her to please stop confusing "can't" with won't. She said she would try and that it would take some practice.
This is a big leap for this self-centered, defiant, rebellious W.
She doesn't hide her feeling well. She doesn't share them but she is not a faker either.
This morning she moved closer and well I am weak. Sex is how Hs temp check.
We spent the better part of the day together and ate alone without kids.

Last night we had a heart felt R talk and by that I mean I listened and validated. I also told her that she had been self-centered, defiant, rebellious.
Like you have said timing is everything and she stopped and contemplated my words. Didn't get mad or retaliate. She asked how so and I gave her examples of each. She seemed to listen and reflect.
She said she had been under a lot and cried. I encouraged her to let it all go. I comforted her. This was probably why I got laid this morning. I also told her why I suspected the A and she swears there is nothing going on. I caught her quickly stashing her phone Saturday as I walked up. She acknowledged doing it and said it was stupid and she shouldn't have done it and she understood why I would see it as suspicious. She was sorry and understood how it must have looked.
Now I understand how some Ws may use this as an elaborate cover-up, but it is not her MO.
I told her later that I tended to believe her. She was thankful and seemed genuinely pleased. Not like pleased he took the lie but like it mattered to her that I knew that it was not nefarious.

So that leaves this week. I am prepared to slip back into cold going dark if this is moving too fast. I am not so desperate for things to be fixed that I skip doing it the right way.

You say don't worry she will let you know. Well, I'm not sure. At dinner tonight I was tempted say that I was surprised that she wanted to eat alone with me based on the awful things that she said in recent past. I didn't as I felt I was fishing for a R talk and why push it.

I need to keep a healthy perspective.
I am prepared to do whatever is best. Should I ask what's up with this change?

Going dark for 4 days doesn't seem long enough, but I do think a loss was felt. I did pull it off without seeming merely manipulative.

Thought?