Resse's Pieces (7)

[pinn]

Thanks for stopping by Sotto and giving me some food for thought.

Hi Pinn, I'm sorry to read this update. Really, I do feel the WAS needs to be 'all in' for there to be a good chance of restoring things. And 20 years is a long time for you guys to be 'off and on.' Can I ask if that has been a pattern with you both? I noticed your thread mentioned 6 years together 'this time.' May I ask how many times that has happened? Just interested in possible behaviour patterns and loops really.

Funny you ask because this came up in our conversation. So we were together in high school. Then she ended things quickly right when she entered college (of course!). So in our convo she said we were not together for 8 years in between (ie 2001-2009)... OK technically true. But we were together 3-4 times in between that period for months with only the title not being official but everything else was like we were together. What would happen is that everything would be good then all of the sudden she would just stop communicating with me... like nothing. As I returned home from FL from grad school in 2008, she got a BF right as I was about to return after us talking for months before I returned. A few months into that relationship it ended and she immediately jumped into a relationship with another guy (another complete loser). So I said forget it, I am done. Had no contact with her for months, about 9 I think. Actually did a lot of DB'ing in that time. She ended things with this guy for one reason or another and before she had even fully moved out, she called me. I was like what are you going to do here, knowing if I picked up that call what the future would bring. I picked up the call and here I am. So we were together for about 3 years and I just found out she cheated on me then. Things were odd with her there and I lot it was over then. Then 3 years later she left again. So I have had to put a number on it... I would say this general thing has happened 4 and half times (this last time is a weird one to count).

So yea... I think there is a pattern for both of us. My pattern is sitting around. That is over now, I am not doing it anymore. Her pattern is crazy. She is very impulsive, crazy impulsive. Not all the time, just when these things happen. She had 6 months left of college at one point, quit school and moved down to FL to be with a guy she just met. Then getting involved with the felon this time and the way she ended things. All on impulse. Since our first relationship, I do not think she has been single for more than a couple of months at a time.

The question I want to ask you is 'who is driving your bus?' From what you post it sounds to me as though you are giving away some of your personal power to her and looking to her to do something - recommit, end it totally or whatever. Sometimes we can feel rather powerless in situations, where actually we are unique and talented individuals with many choices.

Yea that is true. I mean I def want her to make the decision to end it so she can live with that. But it is to the point where I am just about done with all of this. How much can someone take? I don't even want to talk right now because I am afraid some vicious stuff will pop out. I am very angry with myself with the choices I have made in the past with her. This outcome was obvious to anyone. My choice was always to let things play out because I do love her very much. It's funny, my mom said a few months before she passed that I was infatuated with her looks and not seeing the real person. I guess that could be true. But I do think she has a good heart.

This may be a good time to think about setting yourself some goals independent of her. What would you like to do that you haven't yet done? Why not commit to doing these things in the coming few months?

Also, I"d like to reassure you that you sound like an attractive guy and it will certainly be possible for you to have a full and satisfying relationship with a lovely woman in future. I promise you that!! And if you want to work through any insecurities you may have (and we all do!) in the meantime, to support your own wellbeing, well go for it.

I would like to recommend dancing to you as a lovely way of getting out and meeting people. It has been a fantastic help to me in rebuilding confidence and getting back in touch with my free spirit side. The dancing community is a friendly one, and loves to welcome anyone who enjoys or wants to dance. It's a great way to get out, get fitter, socialise, exercise your brain and just enjoy moving to the music. This week I did a Rueda class which was great fun.

I'm also conscious this must have been a rough time for you after losing your Mum, so of course this will have contributed to how you have been feeling too. Perhaps it may be of benefit to see a grief counsellor and talk through how you feel?

Anyway, please know that good things do lie ahead for you my friend and take care, and keep moving forward towards them.

I guess I can go back to DB 101 and come up with some personal goals. I want to leave the MEMS microphone world and enter medical devices for a more rewarding career. I could focus on that and of course all my fitness activities. And maybe do something to get my mind straight in regards to this sex thing (so annoying!). Though I have no idea how to start there. I actually thought about dancing when everything first happened. I think I need something to let this aggression out at the moment, maybe boxing. Anyway, thanks for listening and giving me things to think about! (sorry about the rambling!)