There will come a time with no more tears

[Treasur]

Good morning to anyone who has been supporting me so far.

Went to bed early, cried and asked God to keep an eye on both of us. For me, a bit of wisdom and faith to rebuild. For my H, to love him now I can't and to help him recover to a life which isn't based on psychiatrists and medication. Me and the cat both curled up with H's dressing gown which still smells of him.

This morning? Feels like I'm divorced already and for the first time it feels right not to be wearing my wedding ring. Odd. There was something about our talk yesterday that made things real for me. I think having a silent disappearing H for so long kept who he was in my mind, but in reality he decided to live without me over 18 months ago really. Both of us have new things in our lives unknown to the other. He made us strangers when we used to know each other so well. It's been hard to deal with two things at the same time; the loss of someone I loved and the crazy MLC/depression chaos. I can't see the loss as a blessing, but moving away from the chaos certainly is.

I love who my H was still. That may never change. And it feels wrong and unfair that after 18 years, and so much love, my H didn't think it was a M even worth a conversation. No effort at all when we hit the very first big challenge in our M (albeit a humdinger!) but I suppose that shows that we saw M differently. And to be fair, what kind of MC is possible with a partner who is mentally ill?

Regrets? I don't regret trying to keep faith with my M or support the person I loved who had a breakdown. I'm angry that his psychiatrist and his aunt enabled him to run and make life-changing choices when he was so ill, but they were still my H's choices. Perhaps he just didn't love me enough. I regret staying in limbo for so long. I understand why I did, and if I'd not lost my parents too, I probably would have been here a year ago but I did my best. Limbo kills you as others have said. I feel like I've lost a year of my life but then all the more reason to make the next one count, right? I don't regret marrying my H even though he turned out to be more broken than I thought. I probably regret trusting him financially as much as I did, so there is a lesson in that.

I don't know what I'll make from here. I guess the immediate priorities are getting all the practical stuff done. I don't know if I'll decide to have the talk post-D that my then ex-H will offer. I'm thinking right now that NC at all once the house is sold is the way to go and I can choose that because we don't have children. I think it will hurt me to hear, even from a distance, about his next marriage or if he has the child I wanted when he didn't, or if his life is better or happier than he was with me. I've already blocked things like evil FB! I think I can love and trust again because the world is full of fine men, but it will be different love. I don't think I would remarry...in my head, my H is my H and it was a covenant, not a contract, but I suppose this stuff teaches you that the future isn't written yet.

So, all things being told, I'm ok. I don't feel less or unloveable because my H had a breakdown and decided that he didn't love me anymore. I don't believe that I was his problem or leaving me has fixed him. I miss him and I wish we had got the chance to write a different chapter rather than the end of our shared story. But I'm ok.