So this weekend I had planned to talk to WW, try to get things on the move one way or another. I had noticed a slight change in her behavior but when you have lived this for 20 years, you really can pick up subtle things. Anyway, she beat me to it and wanted to talk tonight.
She just blurts out how stressed out she is about us. So the switch in my head instantly goes off and I know this is probably not going to go in a good direction. She starts getting back into how she doesn't know how the physical part can be fixed. Felt like the same conversation as two years ago too me. So I validate, we chat. I tell her about the trust issues and how there is no trust there for me. Talk a bit about MC and she was kind of luke warm on that now. I feel like both people have to want the marriage to work for MC to be effective. She was saying she thinks it helps see if it can work. So I dunno, I see where she was coming from there but just not sure I agree. I said I am willing to work on it, and I know it will be very hard, but I am willing to that. .
Anyway, don't want to bore with all the details. It was about an hour long convo that needed to be had. Either way we have to move things forward here. So I was OK with it, though I got the impression she wants to move forward with D. I felt like she was looking for me to agree, which I will not do. I did tell her that once things were finalized, that we would not be able to talk again. Lots of tears from her, but I made a promise to myself that I would not cry in front of here again and kept it!
She did complain that I have not been initiating things much the past few months. Makes me wish I handled things a bit differently the past year but not sure it would have mattered. This is not the worst case scenario. This is much better than pushing the can down the road and going through this again in 3-4 years.
I just want to get out of limbo either way. I am tired and drained. I have been blah since my Mom passed and need to pick it up! I was thinking about maybe some Ju Jitsu classes. Something new would be good.
Dating is scary for me. Been a long time and never really been in a relationship with anyone other than WW. PAX HELP! haha The whole physical thing bothers me. WW blames that as the main reason for our relationship going south so I take a lot of that blame personally. She says she never had a problem with anyone else, so in my mind that leaves me as the main issue. Now I feel like I am going to be stressed with anyone else... ugh!
Looks like dealing with the f'n felon for the past year was unnecessary if WW feels this way. Had a nice run in with him again last weekend btw... story for another day though. Really annoying how she flip flops. Either lets work on things or not, lets go.
