Some of the detaching/180 rules seem to make me a worse H.
Maybe that's the point. Autonomy
Should I have cleaned up the poop or give her a taste of what it will be like if I'm gone?
Forget the poop for a minute, b/c that's like straining a gnat and swallowing a camel.
You still seem to be confused about "rules", techniques, etc. So...........maybe you need to simplify and lay aside some of that terminology for a few days. What do you think?
Another area I see that may be confusing, is the part about improving yourself. My observation is that you are seeing it as meaning to improve as a husband.......only. That is why the 37 rules, 180's, detaching, etc. seem contradictive to you. You are frustrated b/c you see these techniques getting you farther away from being a better H. Am I right in this observation?
When we tell you to look inside yourself and dig deep to really evaluate how you've measured up since getting M.........of course, it includes being a H, a father, and whatever other roles you have..........but most importantly......as a man.
The bomb drop is usually a wake up call for a lot of men, and they want to spring into action to make up for the previous years. However, the WW has moved way past the point of wanting the MR to improve. That's what the H doesn't get. She is not saying she wants to give the MR another chance. She no longer cares, and that harsh reality is very difficult for the H to accept. If the WW gives him the ILYBINILWY speech, she is telling him she is done............but, he hears her saying something else. He hears, "I want a good MR". So, he sets about doing all the things he thinks will make her happy and will restore her loving feelings. So he jumps into cleaning the house, running her errands, being more passive. catering to her, accommodating her, smothering her with his presence, etc. But these things are not what he needs to do with a WW, so it pushes her further away......and a lot faster. Why? B/c those actions do not cause her to feel desire for him as a man......and certainly not as her H.
The problem with his new resolve is that he's not grasping the reality of the situation. He is not separating himself as a man from his role as H. When that happens, the lines become blurred and his view of the situation seems to be out of focus and it's as if he has forgotten how to think and operate with his innate abilities that come with being a man. Therefore, he is left confused and frustrated with the DB process b/c his focus is on appeasing his WW. When he reads about DBing, he feels that following that advice will make him a worse H. Isn't DBing about saving the M? Yes, but one must start from the foundation first, which means saving the individual that has come to the board to seek help.
Somewhere along the way in his M, the H has lost an important characteristic that distinguishes his manhood. It has pretty much been buried for years, and by the time he hears the bomb drop, his identity as the male leader and head of his family.......has almost faded away. It has taken the back seat, succumbing to his nice guy syndrome, and now the results are staring him in the face. And b/c of that^^^^^^^^^, he has misconceived ideas of what it will take to make his W happy and save his M. So, with his NGS in tact, he thinks if he can show his W how willingly he does nice things for her........it will get the MR back on track. But, it doesn't work. It doesn't work b/c he must improve himself as a man before he can be a good H. That is the order to follow. That's why we say to focus on yourself and become the very best version of "you" as possible. It has nothing to do with turning cartwheels to impress the WW. The focus is not making her happy by doing x, y, & z. In fact, I will go as far to say the objective should not be about making her happy. He cannot make her happy or cause her to feel admiration and desire for him as a man........until she can respect him.
His first objective is to find his b@lls, improve himself as a man, and redefine his position in the home as the leader. When he rediscovers his manhood, it should take care of a lot of blurred lines in his role of H.........if he doesn't allow fear and bullying to overtake him. That's not to say he won't have to improve some skills in the area of being a good H, but if he starts by improving himself as a man first.........he will start with the foundation and work upward in tackling issues. Once the W respects him, it will take care of most of the problems of her waywardness..........but nothing will work until she feels that respect for him as a man and as her H.
There can be a lot more said on this subject, but like I've mentioned previously, it can't all be said in one post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
