Still here. Still not detached...

[JRuss]

Chris, like you I stayed with my ex in the same house for a long time post-BD. I never did figure out how to drop the rope with her right there, sharing a home with her, seeing her all the time, still actively parenting with her moment by moment. I beat myself up because I couldn't do it, because I'd convinced myself that was the last chance I had to save my family (at least that version of it (more on that below)) and, failing that, I believed I'd never be happy.

When she moved out I was sad. Very sad.

But a month/month and a half later I just realized I had indeed dropped the rope, and that it had actually already been a while since it had happened. I'd looked so long for it, theorized as to how I could do it, sought advice here, went to see an IC, and I never could make it happen. Then it just did, without me doing anything other than getting up every day (alone), parenting my ass off every moment I was with them, being cordial and kind to the ex (the kids need this -- make it happen, however it needs to happen), even if she's being snarky or bitchy, and gradually developing tremendous pride in what I'm doing in each phase of this new life. Like you, I didn't ask for this or want it. I worked as hard as I could to make it not happen. I studied and read everything I could. I GAL'd my a$$ off, I got in the best shape of my life, I taught myself how to listen better, how to validate instead of fix -- I did it all. Except detach. I just couldn't do it.

It was the physical separation that made it possible, for me.

And I think it will be that way for you, too.

And when it does, you'll realize you feel great -- and I'm not talking about a little bit better -- but really, really a lot better. You'll actually at times feel guilty for feeling as good as you do. The first time you look at your ex, and your stomach doesn't drop? Because you see her as just your ex with whom you now co-parent? GOLD.

I had a woman pull me into the street outside of a bar the other night because she wanted to make out! I didn't even know her. It was great. I hadn't kissed someone who really wanted to kiss me in years and years. I forgot how awesome it is. I asked her why she grabbed my hand (we'd been talking, but really just that), and she said it was because I seemed so joyful. It was some booze, too, no doubt, but think of it -- joyful. From where I was not even three months ago.

Hang in there!