I so feel your pain and confusion. I am a newbie and so I have no sage advice to give. What AS and others have said has a lot more experience behind it.
The only thing I can say is this. I have just recently really understood that I have to make all the changes ONLY for myself. Some stuff is easy to change - get a new wardrobe, look better, get active, etc. But, what is harder to work on is going through that self-critical process where you realize you fell short in the M. This is not to beat yourself up over and over again, but to critically understand your failings as a human being and just have some humility and mercy for yourself. Then look at those areas that you want to change to be a better human being, and work on those. Get IC or other help and don't try to do it all alone.
I have been a survivor in my life and I always felt that the world could dump and $hit all over me and I would take it, be resilient, and overcome it - all by myself. I know that it's not true because I am also just human and I need to reach out for help.
Once you truly get to the point mentally and emotionally about the purpose of needing to make changes - which is for your growth as a person - you stop worrying about if your W or H is noticing any of it. They most likely are, but you're not doing it for them so it doesn't matter.
And if they come back, then you deal with that. You don't know where you will be mentally and emotionally - but that's later so I wouldn't dwell on it.
Also, do what makes sense in your sitch and use the great advice here, DR/DB as helpful guidelines. What I am currently doing in my sitch for a few weeks is probably not what would be advised - but I am tweaking my approach to get some answers about W's behaviours, not to change my approach to get her back. I don't know if she will ever.
The comment about the WW/WAS mindset is extremely important and that's why the advice here seems counter-intuitive. But, it works and you have to figure out how you want to tweak it based on your sitch. But, don't do it to get her back. Do it for protecting yourself and improving yourself.
I got so caught up in every nitty-gritty thing with W - did i say that right? was i positive enough? how did i handle R talks? This can drive you up the wall and your focus is only on her, not you.
I had one very quick interaction with my W the other day and it was the first time since we got married where i didn't care how she reacted to what I said. And it was hugely liberating because I did it for myself and stayed true to myself.
You will pass the confusion stage as soon as you recognize that you're doing this for you, and only you.
