Originally Posted By: parkema

I feel looking at various threads that the “climate” here is to more than likely prepare ourselves for lives WITHOUT our WS and look at the next chapter in our lives.


I think it would be more accurate to say that DB'ing is "think back about what your spouse was attracted to in the beginning, and become that person again". Strong, independent, self-sufficient. That doesn't mean prepare yourself for a life without your W, it just means become strong and independent again and you may very well attract her back.

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If we were to look at the above list with a “beginners mind” what would it say? I don’t care about you, I’m not going to talk to you or help you in any way. Not very appealing and definitely not productive in building a relationship!


You have to remember that a WAS has a COMPLETELY different mindset than a potential girlfriend. What works during courting DOES NOT WORK with a WAS. You mentioned reading Sandi's posts, did you miss the part where she is constantly pointing out how the WAS wants absolutely NOTHING from the LBS? They don't want nurturing and emotional support from the LBS, it actually REPULSES them. During my snooping phase early on I ran across a message my W sent a friend in which she said her worst nightmare was that she might get sick and I would have to take care of her. She said the thought of that "horrified" her. Wow was that ever like a hard kick to the stomach, the woman I loved was "horrified" at the thought of me caring for her! For over a year she wanted NOTHING from me, she went out of her way to refuse any kind of help I offered. By detaching and not calling/ texting/ emailing you are giving her exactly what she wants, which is the whole point. By the way it wasn't until about 3 years post BD that my XW started sharing her feelings with me again and asking me for help with stuff.

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If I were to want to start a new R the following would be true:


Agreed. In a NEW relationship.

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Does the above list sound a lot like what the AP/LO offered the WS to get them to the point of leaving the M?


Yup.

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What would happen if?
When your WS was to interact with you you did the following:
Listen to her and be her best friend, I mean no talk of the AP/LO or the A but talk like you did when you were first courting?
Be her safe place, let her know if she has problems about ANYTHING you are there to support her any way possible, you validate her, comfort her, be there for her.


I hope Sandi sees this and jumps in, but I think she will say that is the last thing your W wants from YOU right now. She did at one point, she felt she wasn't getting it, she tried for months or years to communicate that to you and felt you didn't listen, then she sought it elsewhere. So for her now, it's "too late" for that.

I think in a nutshell you're asking if you have a shot at being OM to the OM, and if so can you get there by "out-OM'ing" him, LOL! And who knows, maybe some day you could be that emotional pillar for her again but it's probably years down the road before she's open to that again.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57