Limerence and My Situation 2

[Btrow]

Mark,

You know I'm a newbie just like you, so I am by no means a professional DB'er. But you asked for opinions, here is mine.

When I first started reading DR (a couple of months after D) I found the book interesting. A 100 pages
in, I put it back in my drawer, stating to myself, "this is not for me". Imagine the losing coach of the SuperBowl comes into the dressing room after the game saying, "oh there is my playbook, if only I had it 4 quarters ago". That's how I felt. The book couldn't bring me anything in regards to saving my marriage, as it was already over by then (just like the Superbowl).

So I decided just to let my gut (continue to) tell me how to proceed in regards to my XW. It turned out that my gut told me basically the same stuff we're being told over and over again, here at this forum. (well 90 %'ish...)

Will my gut feeling bring back my XW? Probably not. But neither will the DR book. There is no doubt that there are some great tools in the books - when you are IN a functional or a faltering relationship - and also tools that applies to other aspects of life. But I didn't come here to change into a new person. I came to get my XW back. Someday I'll probably dust it off and read it, but I dont really think I NEED to right now.

What I believe bring back spouses, is not a special trick or any particular approach. It is the spouse that brings themselves back. Not me, not any book, no website. The WAW/WW/MLC must FOR THEMSELVES realise that they lost something that they somehow forgot they had or didn't appreciate enough they had. Basically, love brings them back. (or memories of love). Not your love for them, but their love for you.

So as long as my XW continues the "A", I continue my approach. Which is not at all intended to bring her back. It is intended to protect my emotions and my sanity. And most of all, my dignity and self-respect.

I try not to make matters worse and I also do not try make them better.

What my XW did to me is not something that I believe should be rewarded with my friendship, my compassion, a shoulder to cry on etc etc. She hurt me big time and I'm quite OK with her knowing that (I havent told her directly, but she probably senses it). I am not a jerk or anything, but it will be raining green pigs before I ever asks her how she is doing or "have a great weekend" - you get the drill.

However, WHEN (if ever) the A ends, and she is more likely to be recepient to common sense, I probably will twist my approch a bit. (If I'm still interested in getting her back by then, which seems more unlikely day by day). When the A is over, she will have served "her time". There is nothing I can do or say while she is in the fog, limerent, "in love" or whatever term you prefer to use, to get her back, so I see no reason to humiliate myself by giving her my friendship. Isn't that almost a win/win for her?

My self-respect is extremely important to me. A big part of me. Maybe even more important to me than my M. Why continue to let her walk all over it?

My advise to you Mark, walk the path that makes the most sense to you. Who knows, maybe your W is the one who is brought back by a friendship. The X'es are all different. That one thing that bring back yours is not guaranteed to bring back anyone elses, right? So do what you believe in. At the end of the day, this is your struggle. You should be able to look yourself in the mirror a couple of years from now and say "I did MY best".

Whatever approach you choose, I root for you.