Here's what I think may be confusing you, also. You talk as though you are still in a R with your wife, which legally, you still are. But emotionally, for her, you are not. You are separated, she has left you for another man, and she is not thinking of you as her husband any longer. What you keep trying to convince yourself of, is that you ARE still thought of and should be acting like her husband, so you want to act like a husband should act, all being there for her, comforting her, paying attention to her, etc.
That will be priceless, IF AND WHEN SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR WIFE AGAIN and HAVE a marriage with you. Right now, she does not. I know that is so hard to hear- it's even hard for me to say it. But until you really GET that, all this stuff you feel is counter-productive to a great marriage is wasted.
She is not going to forget you. She not ever want to be your wife again. But your best chance of her wanting that, is to see she is losing you. The YOU that she loved in the beginning of the R, not the nice guy, waiting by the door, hoping she will come back.
I think that's the hardest part for any of us. We so badly want to tell ourselves that DB is counter-productive, that our situation is different from the thousands on here, so we really don't have to do it, because OUR spouse is going to come back if we just look sad enough, or be kind enough, or whatever. It just doesn't work that way.
All those things you list up above are things to start to build a new R, when you both want one. Right now, she does not. So it's useless for you to think those things are going to work with her, until she comes to you and says, I'm done with OM, and I want us to start over and build a new R. THEN those things will be the building blocks you can start to work on. But you're not there, and you can't control if she'll ever get to that place. Which is why you keep hearing GAL- it's good for you, etc.... you know all that, but honestly, it's the only sane things to do, especially at first, while you know in your heart all you're doing is waiting and hoping she'll leave OM and want you back. Then slowly, as your heart gets in line with GAL, you'll start to care less and less.
If you've not read Divorce Busting, maybe order it also. It's also very good and may help you more in where you are right now.
Good luck, and I'm sorry if this came across as harsh. God knows I wish all this stuff were not true.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
