I had the same dilemma; how do I reconcile the DR book (and coaches) with the forum? I think it's a really good question and I think it's a question almost all of us ask at some point.
I believe, for most of us that come to the forum, we may not realize it, but we're already in the "last resort" phase of DB. Our spouses are usually in an EA/PA and our best hope for resurrecting the marriage is to show our spouses that we're strong and we're willing to move on with our lives without them.
Unfortunately, most people who are new to the forum are often blindsided and so beset with fear that they often misinterpret the advice or they cherry pick the things they like and avoid the things they don't like.
I had a coach and I told the coach that my wife wanted to talk to my sons about divorce, but I didn't want to do that because I didn't want a divorce. The coach told me to go out and get find some information about how to talk to children about divorce and then give it to my wife. My brain was shouting, "NO WAY." What the coach was trying to do was to get me to do a 180 and show my wife that I was willing to move forward with the divorce (and by proxy move forward with my life). But, I was so full of fear that I felt like I had to continue delaying the divorce as long as possible. I should have been putting my effort into being happy and moving forward with my life. I thought I was DBing, but in reality I was clinging to my marriage for dear life.
In conclusion, I think the book and the forum are not as far apart as they may seem, but the book is addressing the full spectrum of marital discord, not just marriages in the final stage of decline.
