I was wondering the forums views on when having any interaction with their relevant WS the best way to approach the situation, I have been on these boards now for a while and am getting conflicting approaches!
DR would suggest that we remain upbeat towards WS and show a person who is working towards looking inwards at themselves to be a better version not necessarily for our WS BUT for ourselves. The premise here is that doing this will IMHO set us up for the WORST not our ultimate goal of R the MR. I feel looking at various threads that the “climate” here is to more than likely prepare ourselves for lives WITHOUT our WS and look at the next chapter in our lives.
Detaching and the LRT is SO counter intuitive that I find it hard to believe that this approach is successful at all, the actual DR book has very little on the subject of A’s (chapter 10) it again offers very little with regards to how to handle these situations and is more catered for POST A and how to stop the M from following the same old patterns.
I’ll break it down. Detachment – to give the WS the ability to see for themselves what life would be like WITHOUT their S, also to aid the BS to better manage their personal sanity keeping them away from the life their WS and AP/LO are now living. NC – don’t talk to your WS! No texts, calls or emails, for me this allows the WS to basically forget about his/her BS and focus entirely on the AP/LO. No pursuing – can be construed as “I’ve got into this mess due to me taking you for granted or having little time for you” but will continue to do this now! DTR – doing NO action that can be classed as supporting the WS.
If we were to look at the above list with a “beginners mind” what would it say? I don’t care about you, I’m not going to talk to you or help you in any way. Not very appealing and definitely not productive in building a relationship!
Why does the above list work? Can anybody explain it to me?
I personally feel that the lack of respect over many years of marriage diluted the R but how did this come about? I have read Sandi2 posts and done some research but is the list above any more conducive in regaining that respect or does it magnify and build up more resentment against the BS?
What makes these techniques productive, to me it goes against all reason with regards to building a relationship! If I were to want to start a new R the following would be true: Talking – lots of talking and then more talking, how do you get to know the person? How do you keep that person interested? How can a R start without talking and continued talking at that? Support – when we are wanting to be with this person on an emotional level do we not support their actions? Do we not help them when difficulties arise? Having time for them – only over time does a R flourish! Long distance R aren’t that successful are they…
Does the above list sound a lot like what the AP/LO offered the WS to get them to the point of leaving the M?
Now this is where I feel I’m going to get lots of “stick” from people here but justify it.
What would happen if? When your WS was to interact with you you did the following: Listen to her and be her best friend, I mean no talk of the AP/LO or the A but talk like you did when you were first courting? Be her safe place, let her know if she has problems about ANYTHING you are there to support her any way possible, you validate her, comfort her, be there for her.
Please don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting you allow her to cake eat you continue to have certain boundaries, I also don’t feel any mention of his/her “other” life should come into the equation. I will try to continue to show my WW a person who is making himself the best person he can be physically and mentally whilst looking at why the MR failed and work at getting his side of the street in order.
There will come a time where affects the A is having on my WW will wain and at this point I don’t think not being there to support or interact with her for the previous months, years will aid in her seeing me as an option that is any better. Again the thought process is that AFTER this amount of time has passed the BS has found his/her life can go on with or without the WS again counter intuitive to the whole DR principles…
Thanks for reading.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
