Last week I broke down and told WH the struggles I was having with triggers. Initially he shut down and stopped talking to me. I went out for a drive and decided to use my angry time for grocery shopping, getting my car cleaned and then picking up some lunch for WH and the kids. I brought it home and started to feed the kids and then eating my lunch. WH sat next to me and started telling me how he is really struggling with his feelings of guilt. My anger makes him want to run away but he acknowledges I am entitled to my anger and rage.
He said he knows I feel neglected and he realizes I have made huge changes in my self. He knows I am doing all the heavy lifting and have become fatigued. He said he was extremely grateful for all my work running the house and doing the majority of the child care while he is studying for his board certification. He told me he was seriously considering taking us to Colorado after his test (next week) and having the intensive appointment with MWD. At this point I was completely stunned as he has acted allergic to anything connected with reconciliation with someone helping us. Since that talk things have changes immensely between us.
He approaches me and asks repeatedly if I am ok, if we need to talk. He sometimes looks so sad when he sees me laughing and acting like my old self. It seems he is realizing how much the affair affected me and broke me. I have very little memory about my last born during my postpartum period. I struggled to bond with the baby that he had asked for but then cheated while I was pregnant. His treatment towards me postpartum was really atrocious and borderline abusive. It took a very long time and lots of self help books (with the sprinkling of IC) for me to find myself again. WH sees the return of the confident and strong Sara and he has to face how close he came to losing me in more than one manner. And it's overwhelming him. I catch him gazing at me for long periods of times and his eyes are soft. More tellingly he tells me he loves me quite often. This was something he rarely did during our marriage from the beginning. The man I married is finding his way back to me, I think.
The secret to DBing (and it's not really a secret) is learning detachment. I am still working towards this but have come a long way from the reactive, heart broken pathetic person following the first bomb drop. My best times are when I force myself out of the house and hang out with friends. Also calling someone on the phone and just gabbing about day-to-day stuff provides a relief from my inner musings that can devolve into useless naval gazing. I did try going to the gym and other GAL activities that fellow board members tried and it didn't stick with me. My GAL activities tend to be more cerebral like watching a tv series, reading fiction (usually Sci-Fi or fantasy) and surfing the net. I had to find what worked for me and toss the rest. I took a page from Cherry's book and started getting my hair done professionally every 2 weeks, dressing more attractive and occasionally getting botox on my crows-feet. This made a world of difference for my self-esteem.
Whether your SO is a Walk-away, a MLCer or whatever label fits, the devastation of being told you don't really matter can do immense damage. It turns everything you believe on it's head and can cause you to question your own sanity. But there is a end to the pain, and it can result in a deep happiness and peace if you learn detachment. If you've come to this board it's probably because you tried all the other techniques and it wasn't optimal. You may feel desperate and maybe a little hopeless but there CAN be a change, a good change! This is a marathon not a sprint. You MUST self care during this marathon or you will drop from mental fatigue. Hang in their, friends, this too shall pass.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
