Leah, part 4

[BluWave]

1. What are your goals with this M? or D?

Right now I don't have goals for the current M, nor goals for a D. Right now my goal for us is a brand new, better, stronger, more communicative new relationship. I'm not re-committed to the R, and I don't know how he feels about re-commitment either, but as long as I know I'M not committed, it doesn't really matter to me if he is or is not.

2. What are you doing from your side to achieve those goals?

I'm learning to be MORE- in everything. What I mean by that is more fun for myself, (and less negative self-talk), more spontaneity in life in general (less planning and more go by the seat of my pants, spur of the moment, open for new things), more open to bigger love, (and I don't mean with him- certainly he'd be included in that, but specifically I mean bigger love with my children and their partners-which I've re-discovered since S), bigger love with my mom and sister, bigger love with my step-children, bigger love with his family (and less resentment about their closeness that at times can feel exclusive to me), just a bigger heart for people and less fear of rejection. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on to help me achieve these goals. I'm in IC as often as she can book me. Continuing to read this forum, and see how other people learn and grow from this same type of heart-ache.

3. What are you communicating to your H about what you want?

Absolutely nothing.

4. What do you need from him in order to have an R with him? ... Or do you simply want him to desire you ....

A desire on his part to begin a new relationship with me. Explanation of who OW is, and what role she plays in his life, and what plans he has for NC with her. That's a given (for me.) A welcome mat at our home in NJ, and the step-son's friend GONE to live in his own place. Of course, him to desire me, but more than that.... because once that need is satisfied, there has to be more. I want to see a desire in him to enjoy being with me the way we used to enjoy each other, before things fell apart.

5. How are you communicating those needs?

Not at all.... (yet).

These are my answers as honestly as I know them, Blu. Clearly, I need to communicate them to him at some point. IMO, though, these are not things that can be discussed openly and honestly except face to face.

Leah, I think this is a great start. And I so appreciate your honesty :-) There are no easy answers in love! There is something to be said about organizing your thoughts and feelings on paper (or computer, haha). That way when H comes at you--text, call, or is unpredictable--you have more preparation of how you want to respond. I recall when my H started coming around initially, I did not know what to do or say. Sometimes he would simply be temp checking me and other times he would tell me that he wanted to see me, talk to me, missed me, etc, and I was so confused! Here I was still trying to master DB and the 37 rules, so when this came up, I was honestly flabbergasted at how to respond. It started to feel so different than how he had been for the last 10 months, but I wanted to keep my composure.

I am out of town so I don't have a copy of DR, but I do recall her talking about writing down goals in the book. I also think that Psysara addressed this in her posts. If I recall, the goals are 1. things that are in your locus of control, and 2. things with measurable results. The idea is that we can still have goals for anything that only addresses our own part in the R. Some of them can be very small and simple and some can be larger and only measured over time. There is also something empowering about the personal goals because they are for us and the focus is not on them. We are trying to remain detached by opening up the idea of letting them back and it's a delicate balance.

So if I were to answer my own questions at the time my H started coming back around, here is what I might have written down:

For example #1. What are your goals with this M? or D?

1. To continue to not initiate contact, however when H initiates contact, to be responsive, listen, and validate only for the next several weeks.
2. During communication with H, to avoid highly emotional topics, heavy R talks, and if I feel triggered to allow myself time and space before answering, including telling him that I am not ready to talk about that right now.
3. Goal is to start attending MC weekly, if H agrees and continues to want to work on any type of R with me.
4. That I will not work on piecing or restoring the M with him if he is not willing to attend weekly MC and if he is not consistently showing remorse.
5. To initiate D process if we are not actively piecing by the end of the calendar year.

So I was not organized about writing things down, but these were some of my initial goals that I went by. I think it might have helped me to have lists going, because there were so many times that I was caught off guard or emotionally triggered and then later I would wish that I had responded differently. There are no 37 rules for piecing, however I think the 37 rules do still apply when they initially come back around, because as you say, you are still not sure of his intentions. When in doubt we can never go wrong with letting them pursue us and initiate contact, listening and validating, and creating safe boundaries for ourselves.

Not sure any if any of that helps, but it's just an idea to help you when you are feeling stuck!

Blu