Right!?! How different would things have played out if we were equipped with DB skills before BD? My official BD was when H basically got caught having an EA with OW, however really I had lost him for longer than I had known. The EA had gone on for about 8 months before BD. I had even gotten the ILYBINILWY speech months before I learned about her. In fact, if I think hard, HE had been asking to go to MC for some months before that and I didn't agree to it. He had been trying to end the EA and cut off contact with her. There were several signs of hope, but I didn't see any of them. I was so hysterical

I also had been doing all the wrong things up until BD (in addition to after it) because I was so focused on him and the R, and not on myself. Sigh. Well I never want to relive that but I can assure you that today, if he dropped even the smallest bomb on me, I am well prepared! Not saying it would be easy, and I am sure it would be painful, but I would follow the rules and save myself.

Now that so much time has passed, it is easier to see things clearly in my sitch. I can see how when I did things that were contrary to DB (yelling, crying, pleading, bargaining, pursuing, etc) he would pull back and hide. With his NGS he would bury himself in guilt and become paralyzed. Then OW was on the sidelines pursuing, flattering, and reinforcing how much happier he would be if he left me. On the flip side, there were several times (short lived until I got better at it) that I did DB well and I was getting results. I just wasn't independent and strong enough to be able to see it (measure the results). In the middle of our separation, he left OW and attempted to R, but it was too difficult to even consider.

I was the one that kicked him out. I was the one that talked to Ls. I was the one that told him that I hated him and to never come back ... Sadly, I think if I had been in the mindset that I am today at the time of BD, then I don't actually think he would have ever left and had the full on A. I think he would have stayed and wanted to work on the M. That is not easy to admit, but it's time that I do.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela