Oldtimer 4 years and counting

[Treasur]

Hi citygrl
Just read your sitch - we are like Sisters in S**t, aren't we? Only big difference I can see is you've been here since 2013 and me 2015. The good news though is that, on the days when we wonder if WE are the mad ones, at least we know there are two of us!

I'm at a bit of a confused stage now. Like you, the non action (and communication) makes the process of a D I never wanted much harder to respond to. IRL normally, we base our responses on how others act or what they say. We have a big vacuum in lots of ways where someone's mouth says nothing and their feet do inconsistent things. Which tends to suck me in to try to guess so I can figure out how to respond even though I know that mind-reading is pointless and impossible!

Do you know what you really want right now? I move around. Sometimes I just want it over and done with because I'm tired of living a life which makes no sense and where so many practical things are controlled by this weird action/inaction. Sometimes I think I don't want to actively push the very thing I don't want. I end up veering around between the two and being way too influenced by s/t emotions. It's a rough, weird place to be. The only things that I can see clearly are that
a) I deserve a break from this
b)it isn't my WTF chaos, my fault or mine to fix but I am collateral damage
c) my H's desire to run/avoid seems to be the most consistent pattern
d) I can't ignore the reality that my H (for reasons I can't understand) is doing what he's doing and shows no concern or interest in me at all

Have been musing on giving up vs acceptance. I think I might be doing the first but calling it the second? Having said that, I have no idea at all what to do about my M/H/D...none. I am plumb out of ideas. I just have a sneaky feeling that I'm missing a trick somewhere, a kind of self 180. Meanwhile, trying to focus on all the other things I can control and influence (with the odd pathetic 'where's my beloved/how can this be' duvet day now and then)

Next challenge...got my L to send £ proposal that H said was all he wanted 'to move on without going to Court'. A week ago. No response at all. Zip. Echoing silence. I have no idea what I will/should do if I've heard nothing by next week. My L will want to take the 'nuclear destruction' Court route because after 8 months, it's the only option left to protect me. Another L letter or email chasing a response seems pointless. And because he filed - nisi was in June - I can't stop H suddenly applying for Absolute even though he said he wouldn't before £ agreement. And I can't stop him adding some more fun WTF like raiding the household a/c again because I can't remove my name without him co-signing a bit of bank paperwork. And I can't make him talk to me and I can't make him do any of the practical things he has said he would do about the house sale or joint stuff. Hmmm.

But I am wondering if I am accidentally giving up on any hope because I feel so powerless with such a long list of 'can't'.

If I didn't mind read and had a PMA and decided to accept what I can't control but also pick up my DB banner and keep fighting for my M....I wonder what I might do next which is a 180 but not idiotic?