NYGal Still Working on It

[Sotto]

I too feel for you NYG and I lived in that situation for a number of months. I was MISERABLE!! And it was the worst time of our situation. I'm so glad not to have that kind of stuff in my life now.

I don't think early reconciliations like yours are a blessing. When we talk about the gift of time, a big factor is the growth of the LBS. If the WAS comes back at an earlyish stage, we are frankly desperate just to get things back on track and hold on to the relationship. I read that in your posts, and I don't think you have managed to address your own codependent ways (we are all codependent to an extent when we arrive here.)

What I would really like you to think about is what you are doing and not what your W is doing. She's an individual, with free will and she is doing whatever she will - that's up to her. You just happen to be in a R with her. But you also have free will and choices right?

I want to you understand that your own peace of mind, health and wellbeing are much more important than any R you may happen to be in okay? At the moment, you are snooping (which I understand in the short term, but is corrosive in the longer term) and you are finding things that upset you. Then you appear unable to look after yourself in that situation and put healthy boundaries in place.

So, what are your choices? Let go of the snooping? Separate? Detach from what she is doing? At the moment, you are choosing to stay in the R. You could choose to leave tomorrow if you so wish. You are choosing to snoop and you could close down your snooping channels and give yourself some peace. You could tell your W that this current situation simply isn't working for you and start looking for a place. Whatever she may or may not be doing, you have options and choices, and this is where I hope you can focus.

I hope for more peace and happiness in your life going forward. I would love to see you thrive in whatever situation you choose to be in.

Xx