This is NOT my life, but it is if you know what I mean. Losing my parents and H all within four months just kicked the s**t out of me. I think I just froze and I feel like Sleeping Beauty slowly waking up after 2 years! Plus dealing with the incomprehensible destruction of my H's Rollercoaster of Silent WTF Doom, emotionally and practically.
There are outside realities that I have to respond or adjust to. Selling our house and my mother's. A hideously complex legal process of dealing with my mother's affairs as her guardian. Visiting a mother with dementia who is either terrified or raging, and usually doesn't know me. A business in death throes because I haven't focused on it. Not enough money to survive on after December. Being divorced by someone I love with no reason given who mostly doesn't communicate at all, keeps throwing new WTF challenges into the mix and doesn't respond to L's letters much either. Having no family back up and some good friends who are also exhausted by supporting me emotionally, or live thousands of miles away. Being 53, living alone in a very nice rented house by the sea...with an affectionate elderly diabetic boy cat. These things are all real.
So my challenge is what I do with me and what I do with the cards I've been dealt.
Before life blew up, I was an optimistic extrovert with a business, a home and a partnership where I thought I was valued and safe. I didn't like where we were living and my business wasn't really pleasing me. I was a bit bored actually, but planning as a team. Then life made other plans!
There is nothing I can do about my mother's dementia or my H's behaviour. There is nothing I can do to stop or avoid being divorced and acting as my mother's legal guardian. I can only choose how much these things damage me more and how much mental space they use. I have no goals for my M, my communication with my H or my mother. I might need some for the D.
My goals: 1. I need to protect my mental and physical health and find the bit of me again that knows I'm really enough 2. I need to make safe financial ground to stand on for the next 6 months regardless of what is happening outside 3. I need to rebuild my working life so I feel productive and engaged in life outside my life/head 4. I need to see friends, make new ones and do new GAL things that make me feel good 5. I need a plan for the next 6 months and the discipline to just f**king do it regardless of what is happening outside
Today, I'm going to make a solution-focused plan. Small steps and experiments that lead to bigger steps just like DB. I'm going to f**king DB my own life because I've had enough of the life that other things and people are trying to make for me. F**k 'em.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
