I'm sorry, RRI7, that you're in this messy business. Everyone has their tipping point and the mess and confusion can feel overwhelming sometimes can't it?
Glad you have an IC and some place to vent and think out loud (other than here!)
The idea of BDing ourselves is funny...I bet you were more logical than a lot of WAS! But it's quite common I think to get to the point where all you want is the chaos and pain to stop, and LBS becomes WAS.
At the same time - and this may not be how you feel or think at all - it's ok to change your mind or find a different approach. Feelings can be very powerful and the need to escape. Give yourself time. Do what you think you must but don't feel you have to be pushed by the sitch to run at things. You get to choose for yourself what to do, and a D is not an easy process with a spouse behaving like this.
Thinking of you x
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17