Wife wants to leave marriage 4

[sandi2]

You are definitely right about me keeping information to myself. I want the family to somehow come out of this okay, regardless on how things turn ou

Are you referring to your family.......or her family, or OM's family? I will assume, for now, you mean you and S13.

Unfortunately I can't stop watching her, because doing so would allow her to get away with something behind back. Not in regards to OM, but whatever plan she maybe coming up with. Its a good thing that I was hoping for the best these last couple of months. But also been preparing for the worst.

When I said try not to watch her, I meant to not stay focused on her so much. Don't let your thoughts be consumed with what she may be doing. It is unhealthy for you and your son for you to be obsessed about what she may be trying behind anyone's back. Yes, be smart and legally protect your finances and properties as best you can.......but you have to realize that you have not been appointed as her judge and punisher. Don't confuse that with boundaries and consequences.

Please do not be offended when I ask this question, b/c it's more my way of getting into what I want to say. Do you understand the difference in discipline and punishing a child? Do you understand how you teach a child that actions have consequences in life? And some consequences may have nothing to do with you (as the parent)? When we are raising our children to be responsible adults, we have to teach them these things, and as they get older, we have to allow them to experience life's consequences. I just wanted to throw this in here, to try and explain something.

Sandi, I know you were mentioning on another thread that the WW has to lose something. Even if they have no clue what it is.

Yes, I believe it can be a culmative loss or a specific loss that meant the most to her. MWD also says it in her DR book. The part about her not having a clue may have been misunderstood, or maybe I did not explain it well. It is her H that may never know for sure what loss finally hit her the worst. By that, I mean that special something that reached inside and pulled her gut up through her heart and she KNOWS she has nobody to blame but herself. IMHO, I think those type of consequences are issued to her from "life". Life is a tough, tough teacher. Life can punish, and it can it teach us about discipline......if we are smart and learn our lesson.. Life has hit with a big punch that says, "Here's the result (consequences) of your action". We have the choice to learn from it and not repeat the same action, or not. That's our choice. As long as we can point at someone else and blame them for our demise..........then we are not learning, and life will hit us with another punch.

As a father, you try to teach your children right from wrong. When they are small, they may not always understand "why" that aren't allowed to stick things in the electrical outlet, but they have been told "no" and when they ignore that boundary and stick something in the socket........hopefully the parent catches them before they are electrocuted. Rather than explaining the complexity of electricity to a toddler, the parent keep it more simple by just teaching the little child to obey the parent. As the child grows, the parent teaches him about respect and discipline.......and how this is applied to everyday living. He teaches him about respecting boundaries. The parent gives the child certain house rules to follow. If the rules are ignored or violated, there will be consequences. If the parent lets the violation slide.......he is setting his child up to perhaps face stiffer consequences from life that is completely out of the parent's hands.

As a H and father, you probably have boundary lines around your property, home, etc., for security and to establish what belongs to you. It's your job as the protector over your family. If someone ignores those lines and intrudes, then you take proper action. How does this compare with your WW? First of all, you are not her parent. She is not a child, although she can behave as such. When she announces she wants out of the M, is betraying her H, and refuses to reconcile.........then she removes herself from her H's protection. You should have invisible boundary lines that protect your feelings......If these lines are violated, then it is up to you to take proper action. I am rather amazed at how many men say they can't set personal boundaries b/c they can't think of any consequences if the boundary is violated. Let me add this, you are thinking from the VP of protecting yourself, not punishing the offender. I use the word "consequence" b/c if there are no consequences for violating your personal boundaries.........then they are not effective. An ineffective boundary = no boundary. Just as you would teach your S13 that violating the house rules will result in consequences he won't like........so should be the results of violating your invisible personal boundary lines. You would not delight in punishing your child, but you want to teach him disciple and respect for the rules. So goes with your personal boundaries. It should be more about teaching others how to respect you.

At some point, probably towards the end of the divorce. I plan on contacting OM family, letting them know of the A. My W has made it a point to get close to these people as if they are her new family. By letting them know what she has been doing with him would quickly shut down the A. Not to mention those folks would disassociate themselves with my W ASAP. Figured that would be the start to having her snap out of this fog. Problem is that by that time, I probably wouldn't be too concerned with getting the MR on track.

Tread, at this point, I don't think she's going to "snap out" of it. Expecting her to do so is like adding lead to your legs. If you are not too concerned with getting the MR back on track, then what is the purpose of exposing them to shut down the A? It does not guarantee it will end the A. Is it for punishment? Is it really to inform the other relatives.......for their benefit?

Was this a boundary? Was she aware this was a boundary? Naturally, most wedding vows include this, but I was just wondering if you ever presented it in the form of a boundary. Are these the consequences for violating your boundary? Will it produce respect for you? This is what you need to figure out. And btw, don't be too sure there will be no backlash for you, if you carry through with the exposure. Think about it carefully. If that's your decision, fine, but I'm saying to know the truth (know the why) behind your actions.