Ya, we do talk about these issues in MC. Typically, the issue is her being resistant to the things I'm asking for and wanting and the MC having to tell my W that these are reasonable and normal requests.
Great, well clearly you are doing all the right things but I tend to agree with you that it sounds like your W is not as invested in the M. And if you suspect it, then it's probably true.
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I guess I haven't because I'm afraid that doing so will come across as a scare tactic and I don't want a W who stays only because she fears having to go through a D. I only want her if she truly wants me.
Wow, you really are turning into a WAS because that is very much what WAS's think. The problem is most wait so long that by the time they do say something they are completely done and it's a classic BD scenario. My suggestion is don't hold back, get it out there. Remember when you were BD'd, you didn't want to get back together because you were scared, you really did love your W and wanted her back. She may find herself in the same position that you were in, but maybe if you do a mini BD it won't be too late for her to make some serious changes.
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I have looked into Retrouvaille and it is something I would be open to doing. However I don't know that my W would. Last year, we did a VERY extensive program called Pathways. I'm afraid my W would say "We've already done enough work like that." But this program IS focused on communication and I think my W WOULD say that we still struggle with communication. So I guess I should ask.
It is very much focused on communication. They don't disclose too much about it beforehand because the tools they give you are more effective if you go in with an open mind and no preconceptions. They tell you at the end of it not to share the techniques with others and they explain the reasons. It's not a conspiracy of silence or anything, it's just that you need to go into it as a leap of faith.
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A man talking about his infidelity and how he and his W have recovered. This couple is someone that we have known for a very long time.
I've mentioned this on the forum before, but there were coach couples at Retro that you would swear had always had perfect marriages. They were the kind of people that you might look at and say "wow, I want what they have- perfect love, perfect marriage, perfect family!" You kind of go in assuming they've chosen people who have problem-free marriages to offer instruction in the classes. But.... then they share their stories with you. Oh my gosh, it was unbelievably emotional not just for them but for everyone in the room. These were all people that restored their marriages from impossible situations. I mean absolutely awful stories of betrayal, infidelity, draining of bank accounts, leaving spouses and children without a home and living out of a car with ZERO remorse at the time. Just shocking, terrible stories. And yet these marriages were all not just restored, but built into incredibly loving relationships that were models to live by. That's the power of Retrouvaille. You have to be in the right frame of mind though, they insist that neither party can be in an affair and both have to be committed on some level on at least trying. One of the coach couples went twice, the first time the H was actively in an A and basically went through Retro angry at his W, the coaches and the world. He had to hit rock bottom of his MLC before he was finally ready, the 2nd time he went in humble and it made all the difference.
Anyway my point is nearly all long-term marriages have been through a rough spot, and in some cases REALLY rough. It just doesn't come up in daily conversation. So yeah, it's no surprise that you knew that couple and didn't know their sitch!
