Leah, part 4

[BluWave]

I am not seeing things in black and white and in no point in my post did I call her weak, so please do not make assumptions about me. One of the reasons I was drawn to her thread initially is because she has a solid head on her shoulders and a positive, bright outlook overall. I just don't see how it serves any of us to try and stick up for one another, and I think it actually creates a divide between posters. We are all here for the same reasons--to not only show support for one another, but to offer advice. Then we are free to accept or reject that advice as it suits us.

The assumption that I had frequent interactions with my H because we have children is only partly true. The last several months before he came back around we had very minimal contact and I did not see him. We only had occasional businesslike emails about the kids and bills, and otherwise I avoided seeing him and stayed in my room when he picked up and dropped off the kids. I even had a bday party for one of the kids with my family and friends and told him that he was not to come. Again, IMO when the S is wayward/selfish I think it is important to have strong boundaries until they show you a person that can be trusted. I fully acknowledge I am more extreme with some of my advise and that is partly because 1. that is what worked for me, and 2. I have not yet read of a sitch here where the LBS was able to nice/friend their way back to the M. When that happens, often the S loses respect and may pull back again.

Leah, your sitch is different than mine in several ways, however that does not change my advice. I haven't read DR in several years however I recall MWD discusses the importance of writing out lists of goals; that is why I listed those 5 questions in my last post. Perhaps that could help you organize your thoughts/feelings by making a list of goals, despite what he is doing and saying? I don't want him to get in the drivers seat and then you lose site of what is important to you; you are still vulnerable after all you have been through.

It can be confusing and a whirlwind of emotions when they start coming back around and it is hard to know what to do. I can certainly relate to that and I remember it very clearly! On the one hand there is this a sense of hope and relief that they are coming back around, however it is mixed with fear and ambivalence because we know this person can (and has) really hurt us. That is why I think they need so slowly earn their way back, even if it takes longer, which can also give them more time to think and get their head back on straight.

I actually do not think he has any "bad" or "hidden" intentions. He may not even fully understand what his intentions are at this point! It does seem as if he is second guessing himself, that he misses you, and that he wants desperately to try and reconnect with you. I can only imagine it would be very tempting to see him and know where this is going. You have proven without a doubt that the pursuer-distancer dynamic is in full effect. In some ways, you have him where you want him. Not to play games, but I do think of the our goals as a LBS is to keep ourselves in the distancer role.

Here is the thing though, you have all the time in the world! If you see him this weekend, or next, or next month, well just make sure it is under your terms. Every poster that is piecing has said that they should have taken is slower and not one (that I have come across) has said that they should have moved faster. There are so many, many layers of complicated history and emotions now, that naturally it takes time for them to unfold.

So my most important piece of advise to you is protect yourself and your heart from this man. Teach him how you deserve to be treated. As tempting as it can be (and I know it was for me) to start seeing him and possibly even reconciling, it has to be done with armor on. The armor is not only there to protect you, but to show him that you value yourself more than to just let him walk back in. He has to show you someone that is worthy of you now.

Blu