A little homework for you: go back and read your threads. Read about the goals you had for yourself, and the boundaries you set with W (regarding the house and marriage). How long ago was that? Have those boundaries materialized?
I guess I'd ask you to start to think about power dynamics in relationships. I've read a book that I can't mention here that speaks about these power dynamics, and how one person tends to hold more of the cards in the R. That person normally has outside interests and is a bit more detached. Meaning, they have less to lose if the relationship ends because they've invested heavily in themselves. The other partner sees this as very attractive.
I think your W holds the cards because you've handed them to her, again. You idolize her and you fear losing her. You've shown her that there are NO consequences for violating some very reasonable boundaries you set for the woman who kicked you out of your home so she could carry on an affair with a coworker. And now you're back, she's not doing the small things that you asked her to do (though, admittedly, you have reacted like an adorable rabid banshee in the past which put her off telling you things).
So what do you do? Continue being the one down? The ol' reliable NYGal who W can take for granted because NYGal is always going to be there no matter what?
Or does the NYGal who started finding herself re-emerge and say "This was not what I agreed to. I'm going to detach and devote my energy to investing in myself." Or, if you wanted, your re-emergence could be a much harsher boundary. There's a spectrum of choices here, but I think that the one thing that could shock W would be if you started to care for yourself more than her and showed her evidence of it. Maybe you start to care a little less about everything to do with her and her life and her house and and and, and started investing in your life apart from her. That might have her thinking that maybe you're not such a sure thing, and the power would be a little less uneven.
Start condo hunting. We've heard the excuses, but you had a plan way back when to invest in a property of your own if W didn't include you on the deed (which has yet to materialize, as I understand it.) W could boot you out again and you'd have nothing, NYGal. And she's done it once before, so you know it's possible.
Go get that condo, girl. No more excuses. If W seeks your reassurance that you're not looking to move into it, don't give it to her. Playfully start speculating about the fabulous life you'd have (start talking about the parties you'd throw and the DJs and and and.)
Get interests out of the house that have you away from W. Learn about codependency, because codependents are always the one-downs in the R, and you strike me as one. If you're doing the R heavy lifting, W can under function. So it's time to even that out with actions, not words. Stop doing the heavy lifting, and start doing it in your own life, for you.
Less time worrying about W and OW, and more time thinking about you and what makes you happy and how you can be your own security. If you can pull this off, in a few weeks W will have noticed, and the power dynamic may have started shifting.
I also feel like maybe it's time to stop talking about OW and W failing you. It's not getting you anywhere. I think it's time for your feet to start doing the talking, because W doesn't believe words. She thinks you'll always be an option for her, no matter what. So start GAL and showing her that isn't necessarily so; that NYGal knows she is lovable and worth someone caring about what she needs and that she's fully able to walk if she's not getting it.
Do not confuse what I've said above with anger or passive-aggressiveness. Slight detachment and more focus on you, that's all. Do not talk about the R. Do not be baited into arguments. Detachment. Believe in your heart that you do not deserve to be taken for granted, because if W cannot see it, then that is her problem.
Somewhere along the way you lost yourself again. And here you are, totally dependent on a W who seems to be taking you for granted. You set boundaries but then didn't follow through on them, and W has no faith she needs to think about anyone but herself. Unfortunately, that puts you in a pickle and the only way to even the balance is for you to focus almost exclusively on yourself and to stop fearing loss. (Easy to say, but hard to do, I know.)
Reading what I said might make you feel panic, because it doesn't sound good, but really I've got no idea what will happen. I'm simply urging you to remember your DB principles of GAL, pursuit and distance, and detachment, and remember what happens when we work to shift the power balance in the LBS' favor.
Start looking around, in your office and in your friendships. Start to notice how people feel about the people who don't have boundaries and care deeply how others view them. I'm guessing you'll start seeing that other people don't treat them well and don't think highly of them. It's a social thing - if someone doesn't think very highly of themselves, and shows us evidence of that, why would we think highly of them?
It's the same in relationships, NYGal. What have you been showing W through your actions (not your words) about how you think of yourself?
Let's detach, refuse to participate in arguments or even care what she's up to with OW, because you are so busy being awesome and building an amazing life for yourself.
Do that, give it time, and I think you'll see a shift. You have to be consistent, though. It could take a few months of you being really self-absorbed for W to notice.
