LiM: One Year into Piecing

[LiM]

DonH,

I posted hoping to receive some 2x4's. Thank you for delivering.


Blu,

I was also hoping that you would see my post and reply. Thank you for doing so.

what I think you are saying here is that you fear you are running out of gas to keep chugging along. At times I have wondered if I was, or was becoming, the WAS however when I thought about it, I was not. How could I tell? Because I was far too emotionally invested.

Yes, my fear is that I'm getting to a point that I don't want to work on it any more because I'm just tired of it all and would rather just move on. I tell myself that I'm apathetic and don't care any more but I think that is just the hurt talking. The truth is that I DO love my W and want this to work. I keep getting in my own way though.

I am still seeing some of this codependency in your sitch---what have you done to work on that other than detach and GAL?

Nailed it! I did a half a$$ job at reading a codependency book. I AM codependent. I need to work on that no doubt. I really struggle with this one though. How are we NOT supposed to be affected by the things our spouse does? I feel like you need to be able to expect certain things from your spouse (they won't be unfaithful) and that if you don't get those things, you're just supposed to not be affected by it? I don't know how that's possible.

My question is, is she grieving the loss of OM or is she still wayward and fantasizing about a R with him?

My gut tells me it is the former and not the latter. Of course my mind races and imagines the worst and I guess there is always the chance that could be what it is but I don't think so. Its just taking a lot longer to flush him from her system than I would like. But I think you made a good point. I think I will just ask her straight up which is it and see what she says.

I am afraid you may be trying to punish her and remaining a victim instead of being direct and then stepping back?

Quite possible. If I again had to be honest, I want to punish her for what she did. I want her to feel as bad as I did/do. But I also know that revenge doesn't solve anything. It might feel good in the moment, but in the end, it kills the R. Revenge and forgiveness don't go together. I've got to pick one or the other.

Maybe it is time you show her that strong and confident LiM and let her know this current R isn't working for you.

Not sure what you mean by telling her the current R isn't working for me? Again, if I had to be honest, I may be more of the problem than she is. YES, she should have told me about the accidental encounter and discussed her feelings with me but I'm the one having the pity party.

We are both in MC and IC and actually should both go more than we do.
I really needed someone to step and offer some advice. Thank you guys for doing that. I've got some work to do.