I am sorry to read this. You know as well as I do that this is it's own roller-coaster ride! There is something oddly cathartic/comforting about holding onto the hurt/pain after BD, as we remain this perpetual victim. Then when they come back we have to put on our big girl (boy) pants and do the work. Some of that work is so uncomfortable because we have to make conscious choices that just don't feel right at all. Head over heart. There is no script or 37 rules for us. Sigh. And there are less of us to guide each other. So my friend, I will try my best from my own, limited perspective.
I fear I've basically become a WAS
I am not sure you have, but what I think you are saying here is that you fear you are running out of gas to keep chugging along. At times I have wondered if I was, or was becoming, the WAS however when I thought about it, I was not. How could I tell? Because I was far too emotionally invested. I think when the spouse is ready to walk, they have already reached a point of apathy. IMO apathy is not a place that any of us want to get to because it involves turning away from feelings, and I think it far more healthy to work through them.
Please don't stop caring. I know this is hard and terribly painful, but it won't benefit you in the long run to just turn off your feelings. Think about them, feel them, talk about them, and work through them. If you don't, they will resurface and times and in ways that are out of your control. I do know at times that I have buried feelings in the last couples years because they were too painful to face, however they will and do still exist.
You can continue to detach from her in a healthy and safe way, while acknowledging your feelings too. I tend to think detachment in piecing is still a good thing. Things with my H are going well right now, and I am more "detached" from him than I have ever been. Meaning, we are both are own independent people and are feelings do not hinge on the other persons choices/actions. I realize more and more how codependent we were before BD, but I couldn't see that because I was so invested in my adoration for him. That wasn't healthy at all.
I am still seeing some of this codependency in your sitch---what have you done to work on that other than detach and GAL?
Here is the part where I am not sure how to advise you, and that is regarding her feelings for OM. My question is, is she grieving the loss of OM or is she still wayward and fantasizing about a R with him? I think there is a big difference between these two scenarios. Have you straight up asked her? I would want to know what I was dealing with. I was fortunate that when my H left OW, he did so without reservations and never looked back. Let's say he did--grieve the loss of the A or second guess his leaving her--well I would want to know which one it was. I would NOT want to help him through that process. I would also detach (as you are) but I think I would tell him why. I am afraid you may be trying to punish her and remaining a victim instead of being direct and then stepping back?
I wonder if Sandi can speak to some of her actions? From what I have read here, it sounds like it can take time for a wayward W to complete the grieving process. You say that you are hardened to her and not the better option. Could it be that she feels you will never forgive her and see past it? Could that be the reason she is thinking about him instead of the other way around? Maybe it is time you show her that strong and confident LiM and let her know this current R isn't working for you.
I am sorry this is so hard. I think it is better to do something than nothing at all. Have you thought about Retrouvaille or more MC? This is extremely challenging and especially if you are not sure that she is all in. It is okay to tell her how hard this is for you right now, that you are having second thoughts, and that you do not see that she is all in. ... Also, I do think if you can give it more time, things can turn around. It took me two years to have feelings of hope again, and not ones that were fleeting. She is asking what she can do and so it sounds like she is willing to stick this out.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
