LiM: One Year into Piecing

[LiM]

So this has been a rough Summer for me/us and I fear I've basically become a WAS. Since discovering what she told her friends in the text messages (a few posts back) and knowing that she concealed an accidental encounter with OM from me, I SEVERELY emotionally detached and have been that way all Summer. Aside from our trip to Germany, where I basically just buried my feelings for the sake of the vacation, I have been detached more than when we were S and the A was ongoing.
I have not scheduled dates, I have not initiated ML, I do not hold her hand or give her hugs. I have kept myself very busy with GAL and working on things around the house. I tell myself that I'm doing this because of another breach in trust but probably the reality is that my feelings are hurt and I KNOW that she is still struggling to get over her feelings for OM.

I saw that she emailed herself a story on Yahoo entitled something like "I had an A and went back to my S but now I miss OM." I also saw something in a notebook where she wrote something along the lines of "It's ok to feel bad about hurting your S because of your A even if you don't totally regret the A."

It would be so much easier if my W would vilify OM the way some WS's do after an A ends. Even thought she has used words like "used and manipulated" to describe how she felt she was treated at times, I feel like she still puts this guy up on a pedestal. She's told me that he was her best friend.

I find that I'm asking myself if I want to be M to someone that doesn't totally regret their decision to have an A.
Do I want to be M to someone that is still giving part of her heart to someone else?

I'm so lost and hurt right now. I've hardened my heart to her and go out of my way to prevent myself from being vulnerable with her. And I KNOW being that way likely spells doom for the R if I can't get over it.

Now to be fair, she HAS asked me what she can do to help build trust. She HAS told me it is ok for me to look at messages in her phone (a 180 after complaining about not having privacy). But I've rejected all of that because I've detached so severely that I don't care anymore. She could move mountains right now and it wouldn't matter because I've stopped caring.

TBH, I'm not currently the better option. Why wouldn't she hang on to feelings for OM when I'm not currently giving her ANYTHING on an emotional level? I have gone above and beyond over the past year to support her to the point that I've competed in a triathalon because that is her passion and now I feel like it has all been for nothing because she's still pining away for him. I feel like I can't put myself out there anymore because I feel that she's still harboring feelings for OM over a year into piecing and I'm not willing to compete with HIM for a place in her heart.

I agreed to take my W back because I love her dearly and felt that I could forgive. But I only want her back if she is truly remorseful for what she did and because she chooses me. I don't want her back if she's only here out of some sort of sense of obligation or because I let myself be plan B. I would just assume move on with my life if that's the case.

I feel like I've mind read myself into a black hole and I don't know how to get out if it and allow myself to emotionally check back in to our R.