To recap: STBXW was supposed to have D until Monday evening for a long week, taking her to school on the first day (today) and keeping her for the weekend.
I ended up with D today, on no notice, and took the day off of work to register her at school. Since I had the day anyway, and we were done at school in less than an hour, I took the opportunity for some quality time with D. We went to the zoo, and had lunch at Chuck-E-Cheese (I had some tokens) then took D to her annual physical.
This is where the insanity starts.
Since STBXW wants no contact with me, MIL has been facilitating handoffs. MIL asked me last night to call her when the dr appt was done.
So about 4:30, I call MIL. No answer. I wait a few minutes and call back. Brother in law answers the phone. He immediately starts yelling. Think "angriest guy you've ever seen in a movie" screaming. I imagine spittle was flying out of his mouth while he was talking.
BIL: "THIS IS NOT MY F---ING PROBLEM! YOU AND STBXW NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN PROBLEMS AND LEAVE MOM OUT OF IT"
Me: "I agree with what you're saying, but"
phone hangs up. A few minutes later, phone rings and it's MIL's number.
Me: "Are you ok mom?"
BIL: "SHE IS NOT YOUR F---ING MOM!I AM NOT AFRAID TO COME DOWN THERE AND F--- YOU UP! YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE--"
Me: "I am not going to be spoken to like that. Knock it off, or I WILL call the law."
BIL says words to the effect of F--- YOU, I'm going to kick the ---- out of you, etc. I hang up the phone.
Phone rings again. I answer. More screaming and threats. I hang up. I cease answering the phone, which keeps ringing and ringing.
Send text to STBXW telling her what just happened, that I can't talk to mom to arrange a pickup, and that she will need to meet me. She tells me BIL did the same thing to her, and that I should go to where I was planning to drop off and mom will be there.
While I'm driving, I call L. L tells me that I am NOT to drop D off under any circumstances, that the situation is dangerous for her as STBXW is refusing to communicate with me, and that the person who IS communicating with me has this person with her. They tried to reach STBXW's L but he is gone for the day. After informing STBXW of what is going on, I am NOT to respond to texts or answer the phone, or answer the door if anyone shows up.
I text this information to STBXW. Phone starts ringing off the hook. Text after text after text.
I eventually get a voicemail from BIL which says, "Hey EastTN, this is BIL. When you and STBXW go to court, have me subpoenaed, I'll be more than glad to go to court for you guys. It might not do you no good, might not do her no good, but I'll be more than glad to go. That way I'll set the record straight for the judge, for everybody. You understand? Goodbye. Yall need to learn how to take care of your kid and not expect somebody else to do it. Mama had to take care of mine while I was in jail, but she didn't have a choice but to be there. Yall need to learn how to take care of your own, yourself."
And I want to be Princess of Persia, but we don't always get what we want. She's a parent and she doesn't get to cut out contact with you. That's not how it works when there are kids involved.
Your L sounds like he has a good handle on things, but you seem to be struggling with some appropriate boundaries, still.
You do not need to parent with anyone but your STBXW. You do not need to be calling MIL. Just because MIL will be intermediary doesn't mean you need to allow for intermediaries.
I still believe that there is a plan afoot here to make you get angry/lose your temper and to use that against you, and that playing along and letting STBXW and her family dictate when, how, and with whom communication will happen is a mistake. You get choices, too.
I will tell you again, you should NOT be communicating with anyone in that family by phone or verbally in person, because that puts YOU at risk. People can verbally abuse you, and also play the "What do you mean, you never said that?" and the "I never agreed to that!" games, because there is no record of what happened in verbal communication.
STOP ANSWERING THE PHONE AND STOP PLACING CALLS, because at this point communicating by phone is actively perpetuating the drama, East. You are actively participating in this circus by talking on the phone.
Start sending only emails to STBXW. Everything you need to say about D can be written down and sent to STBXW, and similarly on her end. Stop allowing STBXW triangulate the drama by pulling other people into it whom you then think you have to talk to. If STBXW doesn't want to communicate with you about D exchange, then I guess she doesn't get D (with your L's okay, of course.) If STBXW tries to designate other people, you don't have to play along.
Get written communication written into the custody order if you want some peace in your life in the coming years. Get the custody order as specific is possible so there is no room for arguments. Which holidays go to which parent? What time is the exchange on those holidays? How much vacation time do you each get with her and how does that process work? What happens with extracurricular activities and who pays? If it's 50/50, then require that the parent agree in writing, and if there is no record of written agreement, then there is no need for that parent to pony up 50% of the cost.
This is how you get your independence back, East, and stop being yanked around by the crazy people.
I am sorry that this is happening, but I urge you to look at the reality of what you're dealing with here. An idea that amicable low-drama co-parenting can be crafted out of this chitshow would be naive. Protect yourself with an extremely specific custody order to lower communication and thus lowering opportunities for conflict, because that is what is best for you and for D.
And document today's entire conversation while it's still fresh on your mind. Or print your post off of here.
I, too, have a horrible feeling you are being set up to lose ALL custody. You sound like a really good father, and I'd hate to see your D spend any more time than necessary around that crazy family!
PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR D!!!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Am I the only one here who's got a call recorder on my phone?
Agree with cadence on written communication from now on though. I have it that way too, not that I'll ever need to prove anything, but it's better for ME only to have to deal with XW in writing.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
No drama this weekend (thank god). STBXW actually communicated a bit (she wanted something) and no problems talking to D this weekend at all. I even got called before I could call her one night.
Got D back on schedule when I was supposed to.
Only negative I can say is that D told me she went on a picnic with Mommy and Mommy's friend (D took pains to stress that this was Mommy's FRIEND and not BOYFRIEND, which leads me to believe it was Florida Guy). I'm actually not bothered by this (I'm REALLY surprised about that, honestly) other than the fact that STBXW has been driving me crazy about GF ever meeting D (hasn't happened, won't for some time) and has been downright paranoid about it.
I'm not bugging D for details... not going to interrogate my kid, and it's none of my business anyway, so it'll have to remain a mystery.
Personal milestone achieved today: 90 lbs down since bomb drop.
Drama has been nonexistent for the past two weeks (knocking on wood right now). STBXW keeping D for a three day weekend this week. It should be my weekend, but since I had D a couple of weekends ago because of BIL (which ended up being two weekends in a row) I offered her this one in exchange and she took it.
D joined girl scouts yesterday, we started a new troop in her school. We'd tried last year, but not enough interest. STBXW was marginally against this because any weekend activities would "cut into her time." I offered to swap any weekends that were girlscout activity weekends with her so it would be "mine." Really, the time is D's, anyway, and if STBXW doesn't want to bond with D over girl scouts, that's her choice.
C appointment today. Hearing on STBXW's motion in 19 days, and maybe I'll be divorced.
MIL asked if she could come to dinner next Wednesday, D will be excited (I'm happy, too).
Wow, just read your "insanity" post. Holy cow, that makes me wonder if some kind of mental illness runs in that family. And don't you just love the "mom took care of my kid, but that was because she had to while I was in jail" comment, LOL! That's one classy dude there. Well that's some great ammo if a custody dispute comes up.
90lbs since January is quite the achievement. You clearly putting in more than your fair of work. Congrats on making that happen. Any goals you plan on doing with this weight loss?
I do look different. When I was in NJ 4th of July week, at a family BBQ, one of my aunts walked right past me saying hi to people. Turned around, went to someone else to say hi, walked past me again. I said "Hi, EastTN's aunt" to her back, she turned around and said "Oh my god, EastTN, I didn't even recognize you!" Felt pretty good. Work colleagues notice, when I showed up at school the first day. the resource officer/cop said, "Oh my god, how much weight have you lost?" I got to the office and the school lady said, "Oh my GOD, how much weight have you lost??" I've NEVER considered myself handsome (I have nice eyes, and that's it as far as physical attractiveness goes) but my GF thinks I'm hot. That takes some getting used to.
I still have about 50lb to lose, so more work to do, but I feel GREAT about myself for losing the 90 so far. My goals for the lost weight include, "actually fitting in an airplane seat," "not breathing hard when walking up a flight of stairs," and "living past the age of 50 and being able to see my grandkids someday."
The insanity is pretty bad. I've had a drama free couple of weeks. About the only thing I've had to deal with is hearing STBXW talking to D about her "friend" whenever they're on the phone or facetime. I've done my best to ignore it (realizing that I don't care she's sleeping with someone else has made me feel tons better. I was afraid that would hurt. A lot. Which would say some pretty bad things about whether or not I really wanted the life I have today).
I was foolish and invited some drama today, though. STBXW and I briefly texted about D getting her hair cut. STBXW then asked about getting her ears pierced, and this is the result:
STBXW: And her ears? Should we get those as well?
EastTN: I've already made myself accept that I won't get to be there for that. If one of us has to miss that it should be me. Just let me know when you're going to do it, and let me talk to her when you do. I'd also appreciate if you didn't take the guy that you've been taking her on picnics with when you get her ears pierced.
STBXW: You mean my family and friends? That is not up for discussion and you're more than welcome to be there when her ears get done.
EastTN: I agree that it's none of my business what you're doing or who you're doing it with. However, you've given me a LOT of hate over her being around anyone else, even to the point where you decided that she didn't live with me anymore and needed to change schools because at some future point she might have another woman in her life regularly. I've respected that and she's never met anyone, but she apparently knows your boyfriend pretty well. I don't know how healthy that is for her at this point. Like I said, I respect that who you're sleeping with isn't my business anymore but you're the one who made other people in her life a big issue. Why is it ok for you to involve someone like that after the things you've said?
STBXW: You sir are stepping on boundaries you have no idea of which you speak. Stop assuming. I do not have a boyfriend and I am not sleepy I guess{sic} with anyone. Furthermore, it's no ones business as to what I do in my life as long as D is taken care of. And yes, I have a problem with her being around GF, because GF is scared to death of her from you have told me. Why should I want someone like that around D?! Anyways this is the end of the discussion. This isn't about D anymore and I will not give you fuel to use against me in your dirty war! Thanks and bye
EastTN: Have a nice day, STBXW.
So. I feel like from a "constructive conversation and not starting drama" point of view, I probably erred by saying she was sleeping with whoever she has taking showers at her house (D had also mentioned that this person has slept there while she was staying there, but it's hard to be sure she's just not telling stories). Truthfully, I probably shouldn't have had this conversation AT ALL (in hindsight, the outcome was predictable) but I thought it was reasonable to ask that she not include some other man in that rite of passage, especially given all the crap I've gotten about GF meeting D. My C told me she would do this (in the past, STBXW had insisted that we both needed to meet anyone we introduced to D. C told me that she would absolutely stand by her demand where I was concerned, but would not abide by it herself. Score one for C).
I'm also seriously confused about the "dirty war" I'm supposed to be waging against her.
I've NEVER considered myself handsome (I have nice eyes, and that's it as far as physical attractiveness goes) but my GF thinks I'm hot. That takes some getting used to.