Get over your hill and see what you find there

[Treasur]

You're right, cadence. Ish. I think I am getting more detached from my H and I certainly see no hope at all for a shared future. The bit I'm not detached from is a missing jigsaw piece of what the hell happened in his head for him to blow up both of our lives. I think I can be OK now without a conversation, but if it were possible to have one, I think I might prefer that. I don't know if I've always been reasonable. Most of the time, I've just been bewildered and sometimes that has made me inconsistent in my reactions. I have tried my best to be compassionate and fair though.

Maybe I wish I could sow a seed. Maybe it's a seed for me in my head if he wants to talk again after I said no before. Right now, it's not likely to be an option that presents itself.

Could he hurt me more? I don't know, maybe. I think some of the things he might say that could, I know are not real enough to me to hurt even if it might hurt to know that he thinks that way. I have been afraid but I feel I've lost all that matters than I can lose from this sitch. I actually feel, no matter what happens, that the worst pain of the last two years is behind me and that helps me look forward now. Do I feel that whatever he thinks/feels is a reflection of me? Mostly not. I just think he's fighting his own demons and I became a bit-player in his head, not even sure he saw or remembered who I am. But my journey has pushed me to remember who I am regardless and that's a good thing.

I haven't done anything with my thoughts. I'm focusing more on the things I need to do to make the next 2 years much better than the last 2. Whatever that looks like, I don't want to stay where I have been and I wish the last bits of the D process would get done because it [censored] me back. Make A Life more than Get A Life perhaps.