But perhaps if my H does make even a half-hearted wobble towards talking again, I might think about how I could send signals that his mind-reading about me could be less than accurate too.
Treasur, I immediately feel that this isn't detachment. You are, in effect, striving to control his perception of you.
I understand how maddening it is for someone who thought you were the bees knees for so long suddenly ups and changes their mind. However, then you get into the "did his opinion of me lead him to do what he did?" or "did he develop this opinion of me in order to justify what he did?" chicken or egg debate. And, honestly, with MLCers, it is hard to know. With waywards, it's a little of column A and a whole lot of column B.
I feel that my H has projected so much onto me, and it does make me feel powerless. I've had times where I've felt like you do, where I wish I had the opportunity to show him that I'm still me and not the unholy combination of evil engulfing all-powerful woman out to control him and steal his life force and the naive sniveling desperate clingy woman. He could only see me as a combination of those things and it did and does bother me.
But H isn't H anymore. At least he wasn't the last time I saw him. I could have met with him, but it was soon after I'd moved out and I remember how he'd treated me and I was not interested in sitting down with the angry man with no empathy who seemed to really believe that there was a real estate refund process for faulty Cadences.
And now I see him making legal decisions that I fully believe are driven by that perception of me (that I want to steal his money AND don't want him to sell the house because I'm so desperate to reconcile) and boy is that ever killing me and my "totally normal and sometimes awesome person" pride. But it's out of my hands. Completely.
You've got no power over how he sees you. He won't trust your words. He might trust your actions, but only when he's on his way out of the MLC. Until then, you are a screen onto which he has projected his worst fears from his childhood/whatever he has repressed, and there is nothing you can do about it.
I do think that time and absence are the only things we have. Those of us who don't share kids don't have communication or in person opportunities, and I fully understand how frustrating it is (while also understanding that it's frustrating on a whole different level to share kids with an MLCer).
It sounds as if you've been reasonable in all interactions you've had with him (staying calm, not getting angry) and I think, unless he wants to open up to you, that's all that you can do.
I do agree that you should be open to him if he asks to talk or calls you again. Reaching out is meaningful, and I don't think you should fear it (as hard as I imagine that is to do in your shoes.) There is very little common sense reason that he'd want to see you/talk to you to hurt you more. However, we are dealign with MLCers, so who knows?
But, based on all that has happened, is it even possible for him to say something that could hurt you more? I'd hope you'd understand that's the key to self-protection: accepting what is and total detachment, not filling in the blanks with the best or the worst possible scenarios. What could he possibly say to you to hurt you more? That he is incredibly happy and has no positive feelings toward you? Well, if someone wants to talk to you and wants to tell you that, it's sort of akin to those people who post nothing but constant sickeningly sweet happy photos and events on social media - there's a reason that's the image they want to project. People who are truly happy don't need to display it or shout it from the rooftops. They're just happy and if they're just happy, there's no need to convince other people of it.
As for how he thinks of you, and whether that could change anything at this point, what would you tell your best friend if she was in your shoes? Probably that his opinion of her doesn't matter, that she's unfortunately got no way to control what is happening, and that her opinion of herself is the most important thing. If she felt she's acted honorably, then she's fine.
Some people want to dislike us because if their own issues, and I feel that happens in an MLC. If they don't want to see us clearly, we can't make them do that. Because they have upturned their lives and ran away, and other than some mental health/depression issues, they would also want to think that was the right decision to have made, and thinking the worst of us allows them to support their own decisions.
