Get over your hill and see what you find there

[Treasur]

Been musing on reverse mind-reading this morning, and how much of a mindf**k mind reading is, even if you are wearing Andrew P's glamorous turban! Would really welcome any lessons from any of you who were able to have those 'missing' conversations with a lost spouse in a way that was useful to you, even if it made no difference to the M or was a long time later.

We all keep 2x4ing each other that we can't know what our spouses think and feel, or why they do or say things. In life, in a long-standing M, we all make assumptions. We assume they are shared assumptions...until we find out they are not. Otherwise we would drive ourselves a bit mad every time we communicate with anyone!

For those of us who have spouses who have run away and said very little, part of our bewilderment lies in the vacuum. It's an understandable survival mechanism to try and fill that void. We warn each other against it because our thoughts create feelings which create actions that might make things worse. But living with so much 'I don't know' about something which matters or requires action takes some adjusting to, doesn't it? I am nowhere near getting to that.

But I did start thinking this morning that the void works both ways. My H will have filled it with some of his own mind-reading. I don't know what that is but I know he hasn't asked what I think/feel so can't know...and often I don't know what I think/feel and it can change quickly tbh!

Bear with me because this is one of those 'Schrodinger's cat/makes your head hurt' reflections....

I would really like to hear my STBXH's perspective on what happened to him, why he has treated me as he has, how he feels about that and whether he sees anything nice about me/our M. It would help me, like a missing jigsaw piece. Right now I see no sign that I will ever be part of a conversation like that and all my previous attempts to make it happen have failed. With the huge caveat that I have no idea what he feels about anything now, I was trying to imagine what I might feel like in his shoes given what I do know. So, me mind-reading what he might be mind-reading about me, and how those assumptions will create thoughts, feelings and actions by him...stick with me....and if there is anything I can do to increase the chance of getting the thing I want.

So, double mind-reading, partly based on what I've seen from his actions, partly based on small things he has said, partly based on my old knowledge of him....I think he assumes these things about what is in my head:
- that I am angry and think he has behaved badly towards me
- that I want him back as my H as he was, and I want my M back
- that I still love him and want him to love me back
- that I have a ton of questions I want answers to, that I want him to explain or justify
- that I think he is to blame for everything post-BD and might want to punish him
- that I do not want to let him 'move on'
- that I think he is ill, weak, irrational, untrustworthy, a liar and nasty
Some of these things are true, or partly true. But they are not all that is true. My H can no more know what I think/feel than vice versa because he severed the communication between us.

But if I was him? Why would I want to have a difficult confusing conversation with someone who I assumed thought those things about me and the sitch? I think I would assume it was pointless and would hurt me, that it would be easier to not bother and keep walking. The only thing that might change that for me is if there were things I really needed to say to feel better or things I needed to understand that I couldn't without talking with the other person. If I could see a benefit as well as the obvious risks.

No idea what, if anything, to do with these thoughts. Maybe nothing I can do. But perhaps if my H does make even a half-hearted wobble towards talking again, I might think about how I could send signals that his mind-reading about me could be less than accurate too. If I want that jigsaw piece for myself still then.