So in life I know how the wheels can turn. How one year someone might be getting promotions, and then the next year they are fired. I know this. But I am feeling kind of hopeless about my situation.
I spoke to my counselor about this and she suggested that each day I reflect on 3 things I am happy for. These 3 things tend to be the same. 1. The health of me and my son 2. That I have son and for the most part, have most of custody 3. I have a profession and job that I like.
But at the same time, I am having trouble not comparing my life to others that have things so much easier. My SIL who has a beautiful home, loyal husband, organization. They have 2 play rooms for their children! And I am crammed in with living with my parents. I was at a party of theirs today and while I am so happy for them, I also felt sad for my son and I. There were all these couples there, that were pregnant with their 2nd children. The dads were involved and helping to watch the little ones. They were all building futures together. And I compare myself to these other women. To see, what is it about me that left me in this position. Some of them are horrible naggers, one of them is unfaithful. They are not extremely beautiful, successful fit, wealthy, or even educated women. Yet they have so much more. And here I am a homeless, single mother. I feel frustrated because I always did the right thing. Good grades, a career and education before getting married or having a child, Once married I saved, was loyal, and put my family before myself at all times.
I am not sure about the realities of starting a life with another person. I wonder why would someone want to commit or form a partnership or union with me when we each have own families to take care of. Why would another man invest in me? Financially he would lose. The father of my child who I spent my entire youth with left. Would there seriously be other men our there looking to commit? I think many men my age like relationships but on terms that include separate residences, finances, and an easy way out. So that the moment things get real they can bail. Do we miss out on something, when people and relationships are disposable?
I feel like I made a bad choice in a partner. He was so smart but really ended up being a horrible provider for us. He earned so much more then many of these couples at this party. We could have had a home for my son. Organization for my son. Play dates for my son, which he so desperately craves. He is just a big F up. or a greedy and selfish man and I really wish I had recognized this earlier. I do not know why he bothered to get married and have a family.
Now I know how bratty and entitled I am coming across in this post. But I am going to post it anyway. My ex has been able to walk away and have an easy life. He can convince himself that he is a great dad because he pays child support and sees his son every other weekend (and just recently 2 hours once a week) and meanwhile I am not allowed to move somewhere that I can actually afford. I know too that life is not fair, and it can get a lot worse. But it also can and should be better.
Maybe the cynics in life are actually the optimists or idealists, because they see the potential for the way things should be and get down when they are not. And those at peace, are just accepting of some pretty crazy and illogical BS.
