A familiar story with questions. II

[25yearsmlc]

So it's 4am on Saturday morning and here I am.

We went out for dinner with D14 and all is good. A little too good? IDK


Yikes, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Enjoy the moments in life that are enjoyable. Not just for the marriage, but for your d14 and for yourself.

Over analyzing is like internal snooping. And There are negative projections going on here...


I read these threads and my own post and the responses and I get the feeling that I'm making mistakes. Letting her back in too easy. For the most part, i had discontinued snooping. Minutes ago I was trying to get into her work laptop. She had told me the password last week and now it doesn't seem to work. IDK, could be I'm trying it wrong.


Some of this^^ is very contradictory. You say you let her back in too easily, (which you cannot now retract)

then say you discontinued snooping and then you snooped, or tried to. I think you are all over the place and not helping anyone.

Settle down. This is not a sprint; it's a marathon. Let that sink in.

Could be I'm doing DB all wrong.

I'm just not spending thousands on a PI.



Are your finances safe? If so, time will reveal the truth & you don't have to be in a rush to know all.

Unless you believe you cannot possibly stay m if she has had an A of any type,

then hire one and be done with it. I am not passing judgement. I am not suggesting a course of action. I'm just saying you'll make yourself crazy

if there is a deal breaking piece of information out there, that you won't go find.



As I once again reread Sandi's threads and I am reminded "Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion"
And I need to read it all again. "Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion" these things all existed and I need to remember that. It's so easy to forget when W's behavior improves. I know they don't just go away.

I need to read it, yet I'm tired of reading all this stuff.

Step back then. Reading about this over and over, can paralyze us, and ironically keep us from real GAL and detachment.


I hate that my feelings, my well-being is so attached to her minute by minute behavior.


This^^^ underlying problem permeates all of your choices/behaviors/emotions. Can you talk to an IC about it?

I know GAL. It's not so easy when you feel you've had AL all along.


I think it's easier to GAL for those who have one, than it is for those who never had one. Expand your interests and do NEW things that you have not contemplated before. Clearly, the GAL you have thus far are not getting you anywhere near detachment.

That's not an insult, just an observation.


Do 180's, well if I knew what to work on I would. I have eliminated 99% of all complaining.


Was complaining a symptom of negativity in your outlook? There seems to be a bit of a negative streak in many of your posts. I can't tell if that is reactive or typical.

There are some great TED Talk videos on youtube, about positive psychology and they are empirically based. Not just theories. Sean Achor and Amy Cuddy both have some out there and they are well worth watching.


Also, the 180s are not just doing the opposite of flawed behaviors, but also introducing NEW activities and interests for YOU. It makes you more interestED in the world other than your wife and it makes you more interestING as a partner.

Surely there is a class you once pondered taking, a seminar to attend, a language or instrument you would like to master, a place to visit, a hobby to take up, coaching kids on a team, playing on a team, volunteering somewhere, taking up a sport or activity with your d14, learning a new skill, joining an organization with people - not solo things...


I have maintained an upbeat attitude around her. I've been exploring meditation to ease anxiety.

Other than that I don't know what to do.

There are several free phone apps you can use to meditate and stop the obsessing.

My favorite is "Insight Timer", and another called "Pacifica", "10% happier" and "Calm".

I listen to insight timer every night at bed time and sometimes in the morning at 4am if I wake up with anxious emotions. They are all Pretty darn fast acting.

Great introduction to meditation, which I had never done before.

Good luck