Background quickly. Discovered H's EA December 2015. BD October 2016. Now trying to drop the rope and detach.
I am seriously trying to drop the rope. I think that maybe just giving up and letting him go his way will be better for all. I won't be jealous anymore or angry. I will have just finally given up. So I told him. If this is what he wants then let's get lawyers in the fall when he comes back and close this chapter. I'm just not healing in limbo. I love him and I want him back. But it's like a band aid that I just keep ripping off and exposing the wound. He looked like he was going to cry when I told him that we can close this chapter in September. But honestly. He keeps telling me he's never coming back and having hope is killing me.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/09/1705:53 AM. Reason: Link
So H text me. He arranged for someone to come put the doors on our garage. Without consenting with me. He always does this. Arranged work for the house to be done and doesn't consent me. It drives me crazy. I keep telling him to stop but he won't. Should I just let it go? Is it just the control freak in me that desires to know what is going on?
Should I just let it go? Is it just the control freak in me that desires to know what is going on?
What would you do differently if he told you in advance?
BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore" Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life" 10/22/17 She's gone
I would say ok. So I guess I need to just let go. But he doesn't live here anymore so I would just like to know when people are going to be on the property. Or at least consulted. I guess this stems from the past. Where he always took control of things like that. And all I wanted to do is be asked.
What do YOU want? Why? What's your boundary given that the R is different now? Do you want to ask or insist? What would be a good 180 for you that would make you feel stronger and calmer?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
he may even feel he's being helpful so that if you remark negatively, he can point and say "SEE? She's never happy!"
Maybe say "h, that's helpful and I thank you for that. Next time please give me notice so I can be there with the kids".
AND OR don't be there...
and say - "H, Wish I'd known ahead of time b/c I already have plans. Can YOU be home for that appointment? Thanks!."
And say nothing else - but do Not be at home.
Just an idea
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes I had to clean up the garage where the doors were going in. So I said simply that I just needed to be aware so I could have cleaned up the area. Of course then he said I leave everything to the last minute and some things will never change. And I said yes I am aware I am a procrastinator.
Yes I had to clean up the garage where the doors were going in. So I said simply that I just needed to be aware so I could have cleaned up the area. Of course then he said I leave everything to the last minute and some things will never change. And I said yes I am aware I am a procrastinator.
I think this ^^ is a good interaction to examine. Yes it's a relatively small thing, but that may feel safer to check out.
Plus, changing ^^^these types of interactions is key to every healthy option you have. It won't be dramatic overtures that changes the dynamics for long. It'll be smaller, achievable consistent behaviors that create authentic change.
You can change your behaviors,
And invite more enjoyment in your life, crowding out negativity.
AND OR you can change your behaviors, and hope he notices & comes around,
OR you can remain unchanged, b/c it's what you know.
Frankly, familiarity is usually more comfortable than the unknown, even when the "unknowns" are happening anyhow, and making us unhappy.
At least these ^^ types of changes are ones WE can choose and embrace.
I know this is abstract.
So in the garage door exchange, was it understood that it was your job alone to clean out the garage?
in HIS view, were you "supposed" to know about the garage doors being replaced?
I'm trying to understand his point of view. I really wonder if he believed he was doing you a favor, then felt you were ungrateful, and he reacted poorly. In any event, his comments were uncalled for. And it's okay to say that
calmly, without escalation. "H, that's uncalled for." And leave it at that. No expectation of a return apology. You just let the new you sink in. Don't get into the "never change" mantra he has. Don't take the bait. (You will prove him wrong with actions.)
We ALL make mistakes. When I was growing up, my dad would give us long lectures (diatribes) about mistakes we made. In time we would tune him out, and not even ponder the original issue, due to his overreaction.
So Learn to see when you drop the ball & don't freak out on yourself.
Imagine you forget to pick up the food when you promised you would. So you "apologize for dropping the ball on getting the food". And If you can repair the problem, then do so (e.g. go get the food now) .
You are allowed to make a mistake without being a piece of crap. You are entitled to imperfection. We all are. Apologies usually prevent escalation, because What's to argue if you admit that you erred?
Calmly owning up to something and apologizing for a mistake without "trauma" to ones' ego, shows a person with self confidence & poise; it's attractive.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you. Yes it is my job to clean the garage. He doesn't live here so it wasn't his stuff. And yes I need to change my ways. For myself. Which I am constantly doing. Evolving. I am working out again. I forgot how much I love doing that. I am now doing things for myself that I never would have done if I were still in my relationship. I am taking new classes. Exploring my spiritual side with the Reiki. I now KNOW I will be ok if he never comes home. I still believe he will. But a few months ago I would have accepted any version of him. Now I know I will Only accept the version I want. The one where he is willing to put the work into the relationship to make it work. But if this isn't what he wants then we cut ties and go our separate ways. The limbo is horrible. And I am sure it is difficult for him as well. I text him and told him the doors look wonderful and I thanked him for his help. And left it at that.
So not much happening. Because H is on vacation with the kids. But the other day he tried baiting me into an argument. And I didn't take the bait. I started to. But then erased the text I was starting and took a deep breath and validated and the situation calmed down and then we talked as friends. It did show me that he is still stuck on that mindset where he is the victim etc in all this. I have done a ton of work in the last two weeks while he has been gone and worked hard on myself. And I know that in the mindset he is in now I don't want him home. It wouldn't be productive at all. So I will continue to work on myself and if he comes back from vacation with the mindset to continue this divorce I will grant him it. I don't want to. But I also don't want him back the way he is.
