Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Ok. Update time. Just shaking my head and smiling at how things have evolved. The life we live dealing with MLCers (if we deal with them at all)!

I've had a nice time visiting with my mother with time spent with both girls at my house and at D26's. XH called as we were enjoying a family barbecue at my house on Thursday and seemed surprised and...I don't know what else. I guess D26 didn't tell him she was in town or coming over. He was calling to set up my mom's next appointment before she left, which was last night (the appointment). So...that.

We arrived after hours last night (so no Bubbles). Got to catch up with friends that worked there for a bit before mom went back for her appointment and all but Assistant B left. I sat in the reception area and read. When they were done, XH came out and wordlessly handed me my alimony check, which I thanked him for as he walked away. He and my mom talked about payment for a bit, then he asked where we were all going to dinner. Apparently my mother had asked him during the last appointment, but he hadn't responded; but during this appointment they had decided that we (she, I, he, and Assistant B) were all going.
He sat across from my mom and I spoke mostly to A.B, but he seemed to want to split food as we used to (I ordered what I wanted) and pushed his beer over for me to try. According to my mom, he kept looking at me the whole time and watching me, but...she's my mom. I know that we all see what we want to see, interpreting things through whatever lens our experience, mood, or desires have created. She wants her son-in-law back and me to be with him. She sees what she wants to see.

It was pleasant enough. At one point he was texting for quite awhile and then on the phone during dinner (a pet peeve of mine). It was Bubbles. She knew we were at dinner, too. He DID keep looking at me at that point, but I mostly kept talking to A.B and my mom. He then announced that (one of the frequent river house visitor families' daughter) was coming up that weekend with a friend...to me. Once again...clueless or an attempt to be cruel? I'm not a part of that life anymore. I recently unfriended her parents; the very last of that social group. They seemed to follow my activities and comment once in awhile...even sent me a graduation announcement for their son who had helped me move into my apartment. Yet, the few times I have reached out to them in the past year, I was mostly ignored and their constant posts about fun times at the river were too painful to view. So, except for pictures from Assistants A and B and my own daughters, I don't have any connection or visual reminders any more of that house and all of the fun things I associated with it. It is still painful to lose something you invested so much time, energy and effort into and then see pictures of people who are allowed to have fun there who have invested nothing. We all know that feeling to varying extents.

Almost have wrapped up necessary interactions with H. I have a wedding he is attending, I have a kayak to get from him (got tired of seeing people use it while it was still at the river), and I will be unloading the storage facility. Then done. I have a handyman to finish up work on my house, house is getting painted and roofed as per inspector's requests, and bathroom is almost done. Mom leaves today and I can dive into yardwork and my own home improvement projects. Then, back to school.

Oh, and right now, I'm still enjoying talking to biologist guy. No movement on meeting, yet. That's going to have to come from him (my own standard)...but I believe we are both having fun talking online. Still keeeping my eyes open for others, though. Getting lots of attention, just not interested in most.

I'm getting less inclined to worry about how my actions are viewed by XH. I'm still puzzled by the whole situation and his behavior, but I dwell on it less and less. Analyze; yes. Dwell; no. Hopefully, in another year he will not take up even as much thought as it does now. Getting better and moving on. Waiting and seeing, though, still.