Get over your hill and see what you find there

[Treasur]

Gosh, just had one of the moments when the grief grabs you. Almost 2 years on I really have no idea what happened to my H, why in God's universe he would be choosing to be anywhere else but here with me.

I know if he walked in the door right now he wouldn't look or sound like my H. Dead eyes, cold voice, rigid face, different clothes. He's a stranger now.

Such mixed crazy emotions and two years of madness. I don't understand it much more than I did 22 long months ago. I've just learned to accept and keep going. Sometimes I think the closest to how I feel as if he killed himself. Questions, no answers, knowing depression took him, yearning, anger, knowing in his right mind he would never have chosen this for me or him, knowing he chose to go.

On the bright side, now I can cry for a bit, shake it off like a wet dog and press on. A year ago I'd have been hiding under the duvet or rocking backwards and forwards!