My husband filed for divorce

[LAJar]

I'm not sure how to quote as you did, so bear with me.

At the bottom of the post you want to quote, hit the "quote" button. It'll open a reply window with all the text in it. Then what I do is select the text I want to quote, highlight it and hit the " (quotation mark) button at the top of the screen and it'll place quote tags around the text. Then I type my reply below that and keep repeating for each quote.

I think I've got the hang of this now.

Just curious, what about my post made you think that?

It was in your comments, you said that your H said that you were controlling and then you gave a few examples such as you never letting him make any design decisions on the apartment and the house. Even though he says he's "done" you don't know that he is. And a big part of DB'ing is taking all of the things that our WAS tells us we were doing wrong and doing 180's on those things. So that's part of what we're here to do is help you see the things you need to do 180's on. We try to do it without upsetting or offending

It is most definitely difficult to see what you're doing wrong all of the time. This will be a good opportunity, if given, to do some 180s. I know there were better ways of handling some of our issues. Looking back on the conflict and really trying to see how what I treated him, it affected him and validating his feelings should have been so simple to see.

I never complained about his friends. I had an issue with 1 when we first got together, which we resolved. Another who he rarely saw is a drug abuser and only called my husband for money. I didn't care for that, but had my husband wanted to be around him, I would have. The move was difficult. It added an extra 25 minutes to my commute making it an hour. I didn't complain incessantly about it but at the beginning it was frustrating. I got over it. I agreed to the move, so I had to get over it & shut up. I told him I needed time for it to feel like home, but it would come. It's just my process.

Well, I understand what you are saying but I think you are still downplaying and justifying when you should be saying "how can I do a 180 on this." You haven't posted a lot but I already see this repeating pattern of you talking about something you did wrong in the M and then proceeding to explain it away as not being a big thing. But, you may not have SAID you didn't like the move, that you didn't like his friends, that you hated someone asking him for money, but I'd be willing to bet that he FELT your anger, frustration and other negative emotions. You can't hide that stuff! So you don't think it was a big deal, but HE probably did. And when your spouse feels you're doing something wrong and you think it's nothing, then resentment builds.

Actually after reading one section of the book, I think I'm less downplaying his feelings and more just trying to get him to see my side (that I'm right). Change him? A lot of it was dumb, petty stuff. I look back on certain things and think, why didn't you just let it go? Some things are just not worth the battle. No matter the argument, I really and truly cared about his feelings in those moments. I was more intent on getting him to see things from my perspective.

Maybe when the behaviors continue, even if they're acknowledged, it conveys invalidation?

Definitely! Good observation.

I have my own issues with sex. I knew he wanted it, he knew I was standoffish. I didn't acknowledge how it made him feel when I put him off. For me though, his approach was lacking as well, but not something we ever discussed. For a woman, that's a hard one to bypass.

I am definitely not saying he is perfect and without fault. Personally I feel that ANY spouse that leaves the M is displaying a huge lack of character, but we're here to deal with the one thing in this we have control over- ourselves. So there's nothing you can do about HIS approach, only YOURS. After you finish DR, read the 5 Love Languages, it's a great book that addresses how to communicate in the love languages of others instead of our own love language. A lot of times when marriages fail it's because both spouses quit filling the other's emotional needs. One of the big points in the book is when that happens, we can't sit around waiting for our spouse to fill our emotional bank account. We have to fill THEIRS first. WE have to do the work. But when we do, the payoff is huge because when we meet THEIR emotional needs first, then they WANT to meet ours.

Another stinger, you write that our relationship seemed pretty terrible. In what I conveyed, what made it seem "pretty terrible"?

You've mentioned a nonexistent sex life, controlling behavior, criticizing (verbally or emotionally) of everything from his friends to the place you lived, poor communication, not listening/ understanding/ validating. If you asked me to sit down a make a list of the 10 most damaging marriage killing traits I would rank those as the top 5!

I was mistaken to believe all of the time we spent together, the fun we had, getting through the outside work & family difficulties together was evidence of a good relationship.

We ALL had good things in our marriages. But we had failures as well. Eventually the bad outweighs the good for the WAS and they want out.

It may be too little too late, but I'm at least willing to acknowledge & work on myself.

That's all any of us can do. Maybe it'll bring our spouse back into a better R, or maybe our next R will go that much smoother. But regardless, it's work we need to put in. And it never ends, DB'ing is forever.

I have become a little resentful because things weren't always the greatest with him either. I just didn't resort to walking out. I gave him the opportunity to work on himself, when I expressed an issue with his behavior. He walks away when I would like that same chance?

WAS's are far from perfect, and almost always they are just as guilty of failures as the LBS, if not more so. But we can't work on them, only ourselves. And believe me, we are ALL right there with you in thinking that simply walking out on the M is NOT FAIR and NOT valid conflict resolution!!!!

I'm trying not to give up hope, but without any contact it's hard. I am reading the book, going to counseling and getting through life best as I can.

I know it's hard, just hang in there! One foot in front of the other. Sometimes you have to focus on getting through the day and nothing more. And if that's too much then getting through the next hour. Healing will come, but it takes a while.

The last day or so I've felt a little better - sleeping more, eating more. The book has been so eye-opening and all just basic concepts. It makes me shake my head sometimes. Posting my personal business is so outside of my comfort zone and commenting on other's busiess as well. I lurk and definitely read, so I guess that's half the battle.

One thing has happened. He and my brother are friends and he texted to wish my brother happy birthday. He had previously ignored a text from my brother. I didn't ask my brother to respond, but he thanked him & asked if he wants to meet up and talk. My husband said yes. My son is having a hard time with this and my brother wants to talk to him about that. He hasn't reached out to my son at all, which is really heartbreaking for me.
I'm going to ask my brother not to specifically bring up our situation, what his plans are, etc. As much as I try to fight it though, it's giving me a little sliver of hope. I am really trying not to read too much into the fact he responded when initially he ignored him. I'm trying to work with what he said he wanted and continue to work on myself and whatever happens, happens. Trying.

Your insights have been invaluable. Honestly. When your spouse tells you how you are, it's easy to dismiss it as being one-sided. A stranger, based on words you yourself wrote?! That's a whole other level. I can deal with it, but now I just need to work on doing things differently.