OwnIt - The PA behavior just blows my mind. I really have a hard time with it from my H. My mom was that way and I had no way to express my frustration. So now, when I encounter that kind of behavior it really gets my goat. It's like I am making up for lost time.
When I came into work today, there was an email from a well admired colleague stating he is retiring and today is his last official day. This was news to everyone (except the head of this office). This is just like him to leave without any fanfare. No luncheon, no retirement party, no cake. Just an email wishing us all well and no forwarding contact information.
From where I sit, I would have liked to tell him what a pleasure it has been to work with him. I would like him to know that our office is losing a great resource and a tremendously talented lawyer. But really, he knows all these things. He doesn't need me to tell him. I will miss him.
I feel like crying. I know it is not all over my colleague's sudden retirement. It is about H too.
The lack of closure that I have been able to get. That makes me sad. The unspoken words. The unshared emotions. It is almost too much for me right now.
The two oddly parallel one another. At least I can recognize the emotions I am feeling right now don't just stem from my colleague's retirement, but there is some sadness over my situation with H in there too.
And with respect to H - what can be hard for me is the fact that even if I were to get answers to questions and get to share feelings, I couldn't trust any of it right now. I wouldn't believe a word he says. It would all be empty and probably just cause me more pain.
What I do know is I don't have to have the answers to move through this. I would certainly like them. But they aren't essential to healing myself. If some kind of intimate relationship were to develop in the future, well, we will have to confront this issue. For now, I will just have to table it. It's sitting on the shelf next to the box that has my love for H in it.
