Is ignoring her an option? What about simply leaving?
See, here's the thing, though. While I think you are prolly right, I can't completely discount the possibility that she is just trying to explore her feelings for me and that she just wants some no-pressure time together (as unproductive as that may actually be.) She's told me she's tired of the roller coaster and also that she wants to just try to "be in the moment" and see if we can build some positive interactions and momentum. Again, likely as not it's all B.S., but... if it's not B.S. it seems to me if I'm too much of a d**k about it I might just blow any chance I have-- remember that our background is a SSM and of me being neglectful, cold, self-absorbed, and fairly distant. On the off chance she is really trying and she sees me being the "same old same old" it might just turn her all the way off. I don't think just ignoring her or walking away from her would be the best move, here. Think I need to at least talk to her. OTOH, under the circumstances I know initiating MR talk is generally not advisable-- supposed to let her do it and then just listen.
My inclination is to have a talk with her about it, tell her I've seen nothing to make me think she wants to work on the MR and in fact she's told me she's uncertain as to WON she wants to and that, under the circs, we should prolly be spending our time apart... just need to think of best time/way to bring it up. But I am open to other suggestions.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Why don't you tell her you prefer your time and your space alone? There is nothing dick-like about that. It's a dick-like thing to come and invade your time and space because she is certainly exerting the control she has over you, especially with her looks. I can guarantee she is getting off on it.
Man-up Jim. This is coming from a female over here. Tell her if you want to spend time together we will make a date, but please do not invite yourself on my personal me-time activities.
It's a dick-like thing to come and invade your time and space
Full disclosure-- I did tell her she could drop by if she wanted to last week, and she did just that. Assuming she prolly took it as an open invite, especially since it is directly on her way back from work. (Though last night she obviously went home first.) And last night we had discussed the possibility of her coming by previously since we knew we had to pick up our son at the airport, though as I said I had thought the plan resolution was for me to just go. (And, obviously, she didn't need to be dressed to kill for that.)
As for "getting off on it", idunno. She has pretty significant body-image and self-confidence issues, which is pretty shocking because everyone who knows her tells her how good-looking she is, but... I know her and know this is pretty much true. And that I bear some of the blame for reinforcing that self-image by neglecting her for so long and making her feel unwanted. Which is how OM was able to come in and lavish her with praise, compliments and "make her feel pretty and desired", etc... But she still doesn't believe it of herself. She even gets angry defensive when she talks herself down and you say "no, really, you're beautiful." The way she put it a few weeks back was "look, I'm better than dog dirt, but I'm nothing special... and I think I can be okay with that." (Trust me, she is way, way WAY better than "dog dirt") Even the MC recognized that she has body image and self-confidence issues that are prolly affecting her. So, while she might be playing games with me, or playing me in some way, I doubt she is "getting off on it." Its just not who she is. She doesn't think she is all that good-looking.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
You are leaving the door open for her to give your crumbs and she's got you right back where she wants you.
Okay, then I tell her this: "Look, right now we're not a couple, there's no indication that we're working on becoming a couple again, and I'm not interested in acting like we are if we aren't. I enjoy spending time with you, but I really value and enjoy the time I am spending on my own these days, and I want to keep that time "on my own". If we decide to get serious about working on our R then maybe we can start doing some more things together but, for now, I want some time to be on my own." Or something to that effect.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Full disclosure-- I did tell her she could drop by if she wanted to last week, and she did just that.
Jim,
That one sentence that you forgot to mention changes the entire story.
IMO if you are in the friend zone right now and the longer you stay in it the harder it going to be to get out of it. She is going to continue living the semi-single life throwing you little crumbs until OM2 comes around while you continue to put her on a pedestal.
IMO very soon you need to have the conversation with her and find out if she is in or is she out on being your wife.
Jim, a lot of your W's traits remind me of mine. My W has some severe self-image issues as well. My W is attractive, but during our M put on a lot of weight that she's only recently shed. At BD she blamed me for being neglectful, distant, not supporting her in her weight loss efforts, not telling her she was beautiful, etc. Immediately after BD I would always tell her how beautiful she was, and she told me she didn't feel beautiful, that I'd somehow broken her self image with my neglect. So I get where you're coming from about not wanting to repeat the same old, same old.
But you know what, I think my W wants SO BADLY to have someone tell her she's beautiful. Even though she doesn't fully believe it, she wants to have that hole in her filled with the compliments and attention. I wonder if your W is the same way.
I've noticed a pattern with your W putting on a show as a passive-aggressive way of communicating with you. Like the way she set up the scene with crying herself asleep with the rosary. And now the show of getting all prettied up to meet you at your hangout. I hate to say it, but it really looks like she's trying to manipulate you. Is this a pattern for your MR? Did she always use actions and displays to get you to react, instead of telling you what was going on inside her?
It does seem like your W is almost trying to set up a competition between you and the OM, to see who will give her more attention and stroke her ego more.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Okay, then I tell her this: "Look, right now we're not a couple, there's no indication that we're working on becoming a couple again, and I'm not interested in acting like we are if we aren't. I enjoy spending time with you, but I really value and enjoy the time I am spending on my own these days, and I want to keep that time "on my own". If we decide to get serious about working on our R then maybe we can start doing some more things together but, for now, I want some time to be on my own." Or something to that effect.
That is some outstanding script-flipping stuff right there. Takes all the power over this whole situation out of her hands and puts in yours. You are the master of your future. Nobody else.
