Wife wants to leave marriage 4

[Treasur]

Tread - this is said with love because I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be living in the same house, to be concerned about your son, the violence from her and how it feels as a man to be disrespected and caught in a trap not of your making...

I've read through your threads and couple of things jumped out at me. One is I think you're much better at GALing than I've been! The second is a theme of anger running through. Understandable anger, but anger anyway. Is this part of your history before this nightmare? The good thing about anger is it can help us say enough, and put a boundary in place. The bad thing is that it keeps the energy focused on the person you're angry with and away from you, and it can lead us all to react instead of drink the STFU smoothie and give ourselves time to think how to respond wisely. Please don't misunderstand me - your W's behaviour is horrible. I'm just not sure that anger is always your friend right now, and I see it sucking you into convos about OM, R, texts, who else knows what, your son...all things that don't change what is actually happening and might makes things worse.

I read somewhere that in these sitchs you probably can't make it better yet but you can avoid making it worse.

The other thing I read was that before this you'd been depressed and a bit disengaged? And that your W had said you'd neglected her? And you'd been struggling quite reasonably with understanding how you could do cool man worthy of respect detachment while also doing an attention 180? Respect first - from a woman's POV, respect isn't about words or being controlled, it's about the kind of calm actions that say nope, I'm too good a man for that kind of nonsense. Do that if you want, it's a free country, but I'm not even wasting my breath talking about it. A few calm words and simple actions are much louder and harder to play against. So, yes, her sleeping in another room. And on the OM issue, don't get into it or debate it, just say calmly that you find her relationship with this person unacceptable in your M and that until that changes, you will not discuss it or your R beyond the practicalities. If she raises the D stuff, do not respond in the moment. Hear her out briefly, 15 mins max, and simply say you need time to consider what is best for you and your son. Then walk away.

When women say they feel neglected, it is almost always about feeling unheard, about validation. That our man hears us and takes our feelings seriously even if he doesn't agree with us or know how to fix it. That we matter enough for you to listen. Someone else suggested earlier, not sure who, that validation was the way to 180 with your wife. But it is really tough to do that if you're angry, if you can't find any neutral compassion or if you think validating means you're agreeing. Or even worse counter-arguing! If you sit quietly, which bits of your wife's POV or feelings do you think have some validity? Even if you think she's behaving like a cow, are there bits of how you hear her say she feels that you could feel compassion or empathy for?

I don't know where you're at or what the L meeting has taken you to in terms of your own thoughts and decisions. I'm really sorry that you're embroiled in this nightmare, and I hope my questions aren't unhelpful. If they are, sorry.