Get over your hill and see what you find there

[Treasur]

Here is where I am this morning. The sun is shining and I'm working on things outside my marital sitch, things that are about what next.

The £ proposal is with my STBXH. I have no idea if he will agree to it, argue or respond at all to it. It pretty much leaves him with nothing and is much less 'fair' than I would have been 6 months ago, but I've stopped thinking about his needs now just mine. And it isn't a great sitch that will leave me skipping off undamaged, just the best I can do given how things are. In 7 days, if it isn't agreed, my L will go back to the Court option. Que sera. I hope that this stage will be over soon even though that means the D being final, because I'm tired of a life shaped by someone else's destruction and silence.

I seem to be a funny place on the detachment road now. I don't want to contact him. I have no need to snoop or mind read. I miss the H he was, but less sharply, as if he'd died so similar to how I miss my father who actually died two years ago. But I'm still here and I don't know what the next chapter will bring. Unless I was really creatively self-destructive, it takes a stretch to imagine that it could possibly be worse than the last 2 years!

I am where I am. Based on the little I can see, my H wants to 'move on' now without explanation or looking back. He broke, he stopped caring about me at all, he ran, he didn't reach back. That's it. It was out of my hands, like being diagnosed with a serious illness. Just a life thing. Nothing I did to deserve it or ask for it. My assumption, based on how things are right now, is that I will never understand or hear his perspective on it. I will probably never see or speak to him again, or know what happens to him. He is essentially a stranger with my H's face. But I'm still here.

It's my birthday in October and by then, I want to feel that this phase of my life is in the rear view mirror rather than biting me every day. I'd like to go on a date before then, and laugh about trivia and feel pretty. I'd like to be working on a plan to rebuild my business. I'd like to feel secure that I can keep my financial head above the water for the next 6 months. I'd like to stop seeing therapists and navel-gazing but to start looking up and out and forward. I'd like to get back to feeling that surprises are more likely to be good surprises. I'd like to feel as if my gains are starting to outweigh my losses, and that things which make me smile outweigh the inevitable sorrows of things like my missing beloved and my mother's dementia.

I will assume the positive thought that my H will sign off the agreement and let that sit in the background while I get on with other more fruitful happy things.

So, these are the things I am working on today.