advice please

[CW2017]

Hi all
again some fantastic threads still on the go this weekend and are a testament to the superative advice (as always) being offered. Been feeling a bit melancholic this weekend which I suppose is a basic human reacton after having felt quite strong for the last 6 weeks or so.

Went to dinner with my closest confidant on Friday who is going through his own divorce hell at the moment. We were swapping MC anecdotes etc. Strangely enough he could never understand how he enacted all manner of 180s based on his own MC advice to meet his wife halfway who despite all this behavioral change still wanted out. It occurred to me having read so much on the forums here now that surely there must have been someone else in his sitch?

While I was out my W was looking up some youtube song videos which she was heavily into earlier in the year whilst very deep in her own fog. No idea why that might be but she had her own solo MC session yesterday (didn't ask her what that was like as we come together for our next joint one next weekend, respecting the confidentiality of that). She has certainly also deleted her online timeline (for whatever reason) but I am sticking to my plan of not making my decision until after MC has gone as far as it can, our 20th "celebrations" in a couple of weeks (she is genuinely excited about this and hasn't got a clue where she is going or who is coming) and our 2 week holiday with DD. So in that sense things are good.

It's just that at the moment I just feel really sad about the whole thing and how I may well have to pull the plug if it becomes clear the OM is still on the scene. Think the next joint MC session will be telling as the MC has told me that it will be really probing, likely to be going into my previous major relationship and her childhood abandonment issues, all to establish (I think) how she views me as a "man". This will hopefully get to the crux of what I want from the MC sessions, i.e. to ensure this A situation never happens again. Then again if the OM is still on the scene... (hopefully the MC has sniffed that one out).

thank you all again

[CW2017]

yep, def feeling sad again today, hope it will pass, have lifted myself letting everyone who is coming to the 20th do know how to get to the venue etc. So, since BD I've been through the usual stages, i.e. shock, grief, anger, acceptance, bullishness and now melancholy. Guess I ought to keep a journal!

[sandi2]

I hope the MC sessions are helping. I went back to catch up on your thread, and noticed that the C said your W accused you of being controlling. From what I can determine, the WW's two most used cards are 1) Controlling; and 2) Guilt. She accuses the H of controlling behavior, or she'll try to get what she wants by making him feel guilty. I'm sure there are probably more, but these two appear the most.

How has the tension been between the two of you since MC started? Is she still eager in the bedroom? If I may offer something for you to tuck under your hat, women like want to feel desirable. If she has to initiate making love every time, she could wonder if she is no longer desirable........especially as she begins to see her youth fade. It's just as hard on the beautiful woman as it is for the plain one (maybe even more).

I don't know why this has popped into my brain......but it won't cost anything. I often tell H's that when they compliment their W.........don't sound like a husband. An example of the H compliments is, "You look nice today". We like it to sound much more intimate from our H. "If you catch me staring today, it's b/c that blouse really brings out your beautiful blue eyes". Or better yet.......skip the blouse and just tell her how her beautify eyes make you feel.

[Tread]

Sandi,

What if W isn't cool with compliments at this point?

[CW2017]

Hi Sandi
and thank you once again for the valuable insights. My W has been nothing but keen about the MC sessions. I suppose the one aspect about the last session was that around half of it was taken up with discussing her live-in mother. This I guess is all in the mix due to the control she still exerts over her. I even commented that this was likely to have contributed to my W doing what she did. I was intigued by your comment about the "controlling". Although she could not comment on what she might know during my previous solo session, the C did say that my W's "perception" might be one of controlling. I don't know but there is a possibility I might emit a "vibe" as I was treated badly in a previous relationship and those deeply buried trust memories might have come to the surface, who knows?

The more I think about the bedroom "activities" it has not been the case of one person initiating or not, as my wife knows I am ultra keen all the time but I tend to yield to her being "in the mood" herself (again another example of me being non-controlling!). I certainly go out of my way these days to compliment all aspects of her and I know she really appreciates it (maybe I have finally realised it is one of her "love languages"!). All in all, we are getting on just fine (and particularly in that department!), but that doesn't mean there isn't cake eating going on.

As our closest friends will be attending the 20th anniversary celebrations this Saturday I will be making an enormous fuss of her (it should be a good day all round as we are taking DD to the World Athletics in the morning). We agreed during the MC session that, should we want to during our 2 week holiday commencing next week, we should also take the opportunity to talk at length.

So all I can do is to be "that man" and just see how it all shakes out.

[CW2017]

new thread at

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2760765#Post2760765

[Lovelyp]

so sorry for what you are going through. I hope it all works out for the best for you and your daughter