KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[KGirl]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I probably need everyone to tell me the same thing over and over before I get it through my thick skull. Yes, I do think I want a relationship pretty badly (I would say that/getting married again and having it stick is one of my top priorities in life right now - my job is relatively low-key so it makes it easy to not prioritize that!) Whether that's OK or not, I don't know. It does make it hard to let go once I've actually got someone that shows even a remote bit of interest. I also struggle with people saying things they may mean in the moment but don't really follow through on. I'm very careful about what I say/promise, so when someone says "I should get you X for Christmas" or mentions bringing me to a Packers game in September, I believe they actually mean that and that there is long-term potential. I do not say things like that since I don't know what will happen (maybe I'd bring up Christmas like three weeks before Christmas! ha). But once I say something, I mean it, and I'll follow through no matter what. Doesn't seem to be a quality I can easily find in others (except for some of my friends).

Re: taking him up on his offer, I asked him to call me on his way home from work just so we could talk on the phone, catch up, etc. I didn't need any actual items - are you asking because maybe I made him feel rejected or something by not? Who knows if he would have, later in the week when we had talked about getting together he said "umm I'm sorry but I really don't want to get sick so let's not, but we can get together on the weekend if you're feeling better" and that's the weekend when sh*t hit the fan and I got the "I just don't know about this weekend, I've got all this stuff, let's just pick it back up in a couple of weeks if you're still interested." Ha, the carpet... one of my friends said "why on earth would he tell about something like that if he didn't see you as part of his life/someone he wants to communicate with??" but as you said, may be just basic comfort level but not real effort. No, he did not plan dates well/at all really, it was nearly always me initiating or coming up with something. He actually cancelled on our second date because he had to work late, and I ended up being the one two days later to ask about rescheduling instead of him asking right away.... perhaps I should have taken that as a sign then. I can think of a few times where he did suggest someplace to go but a lot of those were things he was doing with friends anyway and I was just invited along, not just the two of us. I was the one who would say "let's go to this restaurant" or "let's go try this thing or visit this place."

Was thinking about scheduling an IC appointment today but I don't know. It's expensive because I have high deductible health insurance ($150+ a visit) and it's hard to justify the cost. Also I feel like I know how the conversation will go anyways because if I was counseling someone (I have a master's degree in social work and my job is a form of counseling, just for college students) I know what I would be telling them:
K: explains story, cries, etc.
counselor: So whether he is interested but doesn't have time right now, or whether he's not that interested, the outcome is the same, right? And knowing what the reason is doesn't change what you would do, because there is nothing you can do/you have no control over this regardless. All you can do is move on and go about your life.

I guess what would really be worth digging into (but probably take so long I'd blow thousands of dollars to get there) is the whole "why do I ignore my boundaries and deal breakers and get attracted to/try to pursue people that don't meet my needs and make me so stressed? What is so attractive about the unavailability/avoidant people?"