Had a few minutes left at her lunch after my appointment elsewhere on campus so I dropped by her office (normally she comes to my office so I thought that was a nice change as well). She mentioned how she emailed the job interview place with flights that would work and updated her references.

She asked if I wanted to look at places to rent and we did. She said "I would love for us both to go at the same time but just in case let's assume I am alone and that I would need a temporary place where I don't need to buy furniture"

Our interactions lately have been so wonderful. There are challenges (and in fact, I slip up occasionally although when I do it's because I am tired or hungry). W hugged me before leaving her office saying how she really loved and felt good when my reaction about all of this has been supportive and how this is what she had been missing. I said that I am trying to be aware of expressing what I really feel rather than look at hypotheticals and how I have really enjoyed the past couple of weeks with her and that everything I had been missing is now being provided.

It might be the romance phase of her seeing a dream location become possible but these improvements had been happening in an increasing manner. I am glad to be a part in her plans. It doesn't feel like she is forcing herself to consider me a part of her future.

She totally acts like we will eventually be there together and maybe I will have to stay longer in Florida but it feels she is being genuine. My worry of being apart from her is no longer about trust that she would jump onto some random guy but rather that I am just sad we would have to be distant. But perhaps that will spice things up when we do see each other for a few days and when I eventually move it will allow us a fresh start. She can be the one showing me around whereas she always had to rely on me doing that.

If my sitch is turning around I think the critical ingredients were:

1) Taking responsibility for my contributions were to ruining the MR
2) Doing actual meaningful 180s
3) Not letting myself give in completely to sadness. Some will call this GAL but given our sitch (working together at same place, driving together, being under same roof) limited the number of things I could do on my own. Although I certainly DID focus on getting a life: I worked out, I interacted with friends, I didn't always sit around and wait for W

That led to my W
1) Taking note of changes, validating my worth and changes (this is a CRUCIAL reason why if we are progressing now that made a significant difference compared to what I read in other threads)
2) Very tumultuous emotional up and down journey where we would take steps forward and then take two or three steps backwards
3) My W then suggested we needed outside help and suggested MC
4) I think I also have to credit OM for not being a scumbag. I am not thrilled that it happened and he got involved with a married woman but he seems to have taken a hands off approach. I am not sure if that's true but I do think despite there is an OM in my sitch that him not seeing my W more frequently early on but after I discovered the A he didn't bug her over and over. He in fact told W it was totally cool if W went back to me (thanks dude haha) so it allowed W to be out of her fog and recognize what had just happened. I can be completely wrong.

MC accomplished initially
1) taking note of what was fundamentally wrong
2) Lots of mutual validation but still very up and down trajectory
3) Implementation of resources that we received in MC by both myself and W (another CRUCIAL component: we both took it serious)
4) Despite us taking it seriously, we needed to start IC
5) IC addressed for (I assume) W her need to empower herself, to look beyond ME as a reason why things were bad (I say this ONLY because there has been a RADICAL shift in how W interacts with me) in turn, I received validation that what I was doing was right.

So here we are and I am working on being more patient, less impulsive, actually listening to W who in turn could focus on empowering herself which reduced her anxiety, fear and anger towards me which in turn enabled me to continue working on myself.

The empowerment of W allowed her to feel confident enough to pursue a job. But unlike in the past where she would see any question or reaction by me as me wanting attention on myself she now recognizes that not only am I supportive of her but that I DO play a role in these decisions.

Problems to work on:
1) communication. We still have the occasional he said, she said where we mean something else but misunderstand what is being communicated, how it is being communicated BUT we either catch it right before it escalates or IF there is an issue we resolve it very quickly after. E.g., last night I wanted to process what just happened that day and after W had spoken to her mentor about it and she asked if a friend could come over and we could order thai food and relax. I said we can eat but I rather just process it with you first. She immediately called him but she had a lot of adrenaline. I saw the adrenaline as her somehow not wanting me to come along (thought I had in my head that took over) so I sat down in living room and when she saw I was upset I explained what I thought was happening and she apologized and said she misunderstood. It wasn't a big deal. She didn't say: oh there is the old Tobias (almost typed my real name) instead she said of course I want you to teach online and come with me.

2) being the rescuer. My W calls me out on it now but in a gentle way. It's interesting. Subtle things where I am just trying to be helpful I now see where and how it is construed as not being helpful.

3) how to go about this new situation. MC said we needed to continue to give each other space especially if we are going to be physically separated.

Typing all this out is therapeutic for me and helps me focus my own thoughts. I repeat a lot of things in these posts but it's to remind myself of the plan and the larger goal.