New to the journey and thank you.

[Kylo]

Hello Kylo and welcome to the forums! I've read all your posts and my question to you is what is your goal? Are you trying to save your M? I'm confused, it sounds like you think your W is crazy and that you wish you hadn't married her in the first place. Assuming that is true then I'm just wondering what your focus is. I hope that doesn't sound negative spin, I mean it as a genuine question as it will affect our advice to you.

[quote=Kylo]She dropped the bomb in May of this year, with almost no warning.

That's what it usually seems like to the LBS, but she may have been trying to get your attention for months or even years. It probably looked like nagging to you, but it was a cry for help. Then she gave up and started planning her escape.

I let them down making this poor choice of a mom, (she's actually a good mom, BUT SHE WANTS A DIVORCE, so a failure)

Marriages rarely fail because one person was perfect and the other was a hot mess. It's usually because both spouses quit trying. It happens, after years and years of M it's hard to keep things new and exciting. It all just kind of goes on autopilot. So try to look beyond your W's issues and see if there's not something you need to work on yourself. That's a large part of DB'ing is making ourselves the best possible "me" that we can be.

I made a commitment and I plan to keep it. I'm a Christian and I'm still struggling with this divorce thing, but the way I read it, there pretty much is no divorce for me unless she leaves me and hooks up with another man. I would like for her to come out the other end on MLC, then by some miracle agree to work on her BPD, (which seems like the AIDS of personality disorders. They can't admit they're wrong because they can't handle the guilt; yet going to get help for BPD is admitting you are wrong). I like our shared history and I think our "getting along" personalities are similar and compatible. I also believe working it out is best for our kids.

This winter we were going through some real problems and my resentment towards her was so strong. I thought to myself "I am fully within my rights to get a divorce." But I made a commitment. I prayed and prayed, and eventually I changed and the bulk of my resentment went away, and I was able to continue.

As for autopilot. I have gown tremendously during this marriage, especially lately. I have always tried to get better. I admit that often times my efforts were pathetic, but I left every argument thinking about what I could do to get better. But looking back, it was like Lucy and the football from peanuts. She would tell me why problem A was my fault. I would work on changing it, and she wouldn't notice (admittedly, only 20% of my efforts were passable). Every argument was my fault. Now I know it had to be, in order for her to avoid the guilt. That's why she would always say: "Why are you trying to make me feel guilty" I wasn't, I was just trying to make my point.

I'm not very thoughtful. I have been blunt. I said some mean blunt things early in the relationship. The lack of sex made me angry. I wasn't a blameless angel, but I would say I was at least average or better. My dadding is All-Star (many dads seem to be now). I loathe people talking about what they deserve, but in a cosmic scales of justice sense, I don't deserve divorce.